Late

It's about 2am and I'm just settling in for the night. It's a pattern that develops when I work overnight shifts at work. I get home around 2:30am and sleep most of the next morning/afternoon.

I didn't work today but I'm awake. I feel anxious; I feel antsy. I need to take a step and I have many different ones in my mind. But I'm not sure where to go.

100 new job – full time, benefits, works.
Part time substitute teach – make myself available a few days a week.
Maybe weekend waitress, while back at school – focus unknown.

(I should tell you at this point in writing this I have no idea if I will post it or not.)

I can't settle my brain enough, and I know it's my fear and ego mind talking. I recognize this. I've been trained to work against this. But I somehow can't seem to find the peace and wisdom I deserve.

Things are very stressful. My sister is getting married and my sister in law just had a baby! There are events going on at work that make it difficult to have a good attitude there.

I know I can change how I view things in my life. I know I can choose to see the difficulties as blessings on the way to a better place. For some reason I can't let myself allow the universe to work. I feel myself blocking it.

And I have to do something about it.

On the FAM front, my cycles are very long, it's taking 2 months at this point. I had this issue when I was in college. But my inner blocks are could also be having an affect, seeing as its why I haven't been updating my experience.

This read more like a diary, but I'm ok with it. I can be the only one who deals with spiritual blocks.

Looking in All the Wrong Places

I was inspired. Betchya didn’t see this one coming ;).

If you’ve read enough of this blog, you’ve read the gist of my spiritual and religious history. It’s chock-filled with doubts, insecurities, and slamming the door in God’s face OVER and OVER again. You also probably know that when I lived in Rhode Island I fell in LOVE with my church and the family I made there. And three months after leaving I still miss them all like crazy, and I still try to keep in touch with my closest friends. I sometimes wonder why I connected so much there. Maybe it was the progressiveness of the church – and how they TRULY accepted every single person who walked through their door. They actively advocated for people of all race, gender identity, sexuality, ethnicity, monetary status, etc. They accepted me in, a single, 20-something who began attending by herself – and I was taken in like a daughter by my new pastors and friends.

Okay, soppy shit aside, the point is, we Love one another. They took me in, Loved me, and I Loved them in return. Because that’s what it’s about. It took me a while to realize this. Growing up in a Roman-Catholic church, I thought I had to confess to a priest and get through the seven sacraments and become a nun and never, ever sin to find God. I thought that the only way to experience God was on a Sunday morning after CCD, sitting in that gargantuan, stained-glass castle, while I listened to the Priest tell me I wasn’t good enough and I could never confess enough for God, and read to me from a big ‘ol book that made NO sense to me.

I was young. I stopped attending church when I was 12. Before that, I did sing in choir, which gave me a new experience, and gave my voice the training it needed to actually be decent as I grew up, but I digress. In the ten years between leaving the Catholic Church and finding a way to worship again, I looked for God everywhere. I looked to ancient religions, modern religions, obscure religions. I also began to fear the word “God” and refused to think of Jesus as anyone remotely relevant. Some worked for a time, and some didn’t. But at the same time…my life fell apart. Again, if you’ve read any of this blog, you have an idea of what my high school and college years were like – I won’t get into that here it’s not the time. I didn’t realize it at the time, but it was all for a reason. It was all a part of my journey. Do I hate that I went through it? Of course. But do I think God was smiting me and forcing me to suffer for no reason? Absolutely not. I wouldn’t trade my experience with my EDNOS or depression or self-harm with anything. Because it’s a huge part of who I am right now, in this moment, when I thank God for all the good that is in my life right now. 

Okay, I’m getting soppy again. MY POINT IS: I looked in all the wrong places, until I started to think of God differently. Instead of a big, angry man sitting in the sky judging me, I learned to see God as Love. Pure, unsurpassed, never-ending Love. And then I came to find my place in the church. And then I came to realize what I really believed about God, Jesus, The Bible, and worship. God is Love. And Love is everything. It’s everywhere. And it is the only thing that matters in this world. Jesus was a teacher, yep. And he taught about Love. He taught his followers to love God (or love, love, worship LOVE, experience LOVE) above all, and to Love your neighbor as yourself. That’s it. Not too hard.

I find God when I get on my yoga mat, and in the bustle of the downtown noise I find a moment of silence in my head and I can fully hear my breath, my heartbeat, and the essence of my life, that’s God. I hear God in your laughter, and I see Him when the world outside is so quiet I don’t want to move for fear of ruining it. God isn’t in a building, and he isn’t in a book. He’s in the people that make up your life – the good and the bad, because they are equally important. He’s in the ground and the trees and the storms and the wildlife. Do I love the Bible that I have on my nightstand? I do. It’s calmed me and comforted me in many a dark and distressful time, when nothing else could. Do I take every single word as rote law and creed? Hardly. Because I know it was written thousands of years ago by many, many hands in many, many languages and we often interpret it wrong. So I take what I need and leave the rest.

And I’ll always take the Love.

Have a beautiful day, xx.

 

“For your steadfast Love is before my eyes,

and I walk in your faithfulness.”

Psalm 26:3 (ESV)

Is out of balance REALLY out of balance?

I mean, what is real balance anyway? How is it supposed to be defined?

Merriam-Webster says: the ability to move or to remain in a position without losing control or falling

also; mental and emotional steadiness.

Okay, so that’s a good starting point. Balance is a state of equilibrium, with emphasis on the DON’T FALL part, right?

I think of balance and think of that scene in Eat, Pray, Love (which is so nicely shown in the film, and sometimes harder to picture in the book). Ketut shows Liz a piece of paper with a simple grid, just two lines in the shape of an equal cross. And he describes living a balanced life – between heaven and earth. “Not too much God, not too much selfish. Otherwise, life too crazy. You lose balance, you lose power.”

And then of course, Liz falls in love and she thinks she’s all out of balance and because she hasn’t meditated for eighteen hours that day she’s living a horrible life and will never regain focus again. And then he teaches her: “Sometimes losing balance for love is part of living balanced life.”

If you’re a subscriber to The Daily Love, you may have seen the most recent episode of DailyLoveTV, wherein Mastin answers an awesome question that’s really been hitting home with me. And (I didn’t realize this until this very second typing) was kind of the inspiration for beginning this post. If you haven’t watched it, check it out…

Now that you’ve watched that, you may understand where this is going.

It’s no secret that I’m a little crazy. Especially when it comes to my relationships (or lack of, for the most part). Because when I fall, I fall HARD. You can talk to me for 15 minutes and I’m already imagining our third date…until your girlfriend comes back from the bathroom and gives me the stink eye. Regardless, I’m known to get in too deep and then still somehow be surprised when I’m heartbroken because I cared the most. As much as I’ve been told to – I’ve never allowed myself to shut that part of me down. It does knock me off balance. I get swept up in checking my phone every ten minutes. I forget to pray. I eat a bag of potato chips and queso when he doesn’t text me back. I wash those down with a few shots of bourbon. I mess up my balance.

And I usually mentally beat myself up for it. But I guess that’s probably not the right way to do things, huh? Balance. So I messed it up. After something like that, I don’t want to over-compensate by becoming a recluse and only leaving the house to pick up kombucha and incense. I think we have to take note of how we feel, and realize that it’s 100% okay to go a little crazy for another person. Especially if their face makes you want to vomit (in the BEST way possible). Because it’s a lesson. It’s a lesson about ourselves more than anything. We learn what gets us off balance. So that doesn’t mean we stop caring or pull our emotions out of it to keep ourselves in check, it just means we recognize that sometimes falling head over heels is perfectly balanced for right now.

Have a BEAUTIFUL day xx Happy Spring!

Fighting for Home

I’ve been in such a whirlwind the last few weeks. It’s been a little insane, and I’ve been at the end of my rope. I’m stressed, my skin is breaking out, I pulled a muscle in my back and I wake up stiff every single morning. I’m still searching for a full time job, and working on moving out of the house I live in currently. 

In the midst of all the crazy, I’ve realized a few things. 

About ten months ago, just after Easter last year, I began attending a new church about twenty minutes south of Providence. Needless to say, I found it. I found a new relationship with God and the Universe and a connection with people that I have never felt before. And these people have taken me in and loved me better than some of my own family. Unfortunately, now I have to leave. I’ve arranged my transfer for my part-time job, and I start at the store near my hometown on the 24th of February. And as soon as I got off the phone with the manager I called my mom and cried. Because this isn’t my choice. I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to be away from this church, these people.

Yesterday I was at fellowship having tea and talking to my wonderful friends and they all told me I’m staying. One woman said she was going to talk to her husband about their pull-out couch in some spare room. Another said “You aren’t leaving!” as she told me she was going to continue looking for a place for me to live. 

I want to fight. I decided I was going to fight. But now I feel like I need to surrender. Surrender to the world and how it works. Fight while I can, but do what is ultimately going to be best for me now. I need to live in the moment. Right now I need to move back home while I get settled. And even though it hurts I have to remember that the Universe has my back. And if I’m meant to stay with my church, the Universe will be sure to keep me there. 

As much as I want to cry at all times, as much as I feel my depression creeping in and old habits begging to return, I know that things will happen. And I know that I will continue to fight for the people and places I call home. Home isn’t always where your family is or your hat or whatever. Home is usually where you feel the weight of the world lift off your shoulders when you walk in the door. Where you know you could stay for hours and not feel like you’re overstaying your welcome. 

 

Have a BEAUTIFUL day. xx

Press PAUSE

Afternoon, everyone and Happy Sunday!

It’s been a little bit of a whirlwind week, so I’m a little later than I anticipated on getting my post up. But trust me, I have GOOD reason. 

So last time I checked in I was in serious change mode. The plan was Arizona, ASAP (well, April). As soon as I returned to Rhode Island, everything turned upside down. The atmosphere in the house has turned ice cold and I feel like I’m being pushed out of this house so fast that I can’t catch my breath or get my bearings. All I keep hearing is how I need to get a full time job, how maybe it would be easier if I was with my parents in my hometown. Just, passive aggressive comments to try and get me to move out. 

But I have a life here. I have a part-time job, I have a church that I love, and I’m not ready to leave. And having all of this pushed on me so fast has made me realize I’m really not ready to leave New England yet. I went for a walk the other day and I looked around at the old buildings, the architecture that is so characteristic of this part of the country, and I realized that I’m not ready to leave it all behind. I like that I’m so close to my parents and my hometown. My parents, my godfather, and their friends are my real family. They are the people I look forward to seeing the most when I travel home. 

So my point is in all this is that sometimes we need to get grounded. We need to get centered and take a minute. I did just graduate from college and yes, I need to start looking for a full time job – it’s that time. But I can’t expect to get one next week. And I also have no idea what I want to do with my life yet so I’m in an exploratory mode for sure. 

My advice is this: regardless of what is going on around you, the buzzing, the pressure, try to get centered. Go for a walk, sit down to meditate, write, do something creative that you love. Get grounded back into you. What makes your heart swell with joy? What puts a smile on your face like nothing else? What eases your tension when you’ve had a horrible day? These are the things you need to do forever. 

 

Have a BEAUTIFUL day, xo. 

When Life Gets in the way of Life

Hi all, how have you been?

 

I’ve been CRAZY the last six or seven months. I wrapped up another semester of school, as well as a summer class. I’ve had pitfalls and heartbreaks and epiphanies galore. But most importantly, I’ve missed blogging. I’ve missed having a public forum to reach out to. Another part of this communication that I like is the integration of the internet. Now, when I’m not in class or at work I’m usually online doing something. I love learning and exploring and one of the best ways to do that these days is the internet.

Now I hear you asking, “But Ellen, you seem so disconnected from technology and all about being in tune with the world and your inner-self, how can you do both?”

Oh, dear readers, it is difficult, but I’m going to keep on exploring it until I get it right. And this is just the beginning.

 

xx,

E

Working Miracles!

As some of you may know, the last six weeks of my life have been dedicated to working miracles via Gabby Bernstein’s brilliant new book, May Cause Miracles. The 42 day guide is a way to transform you life using the subtlest of shifts in your thoughts and behavior. These small changes make a HUGE impact. 

I’m not new to Gabby’s work or ways of teaching. In fact, she led me to spiritual discovery. She led me back to God, my ~ing, and finding my highest self. Or rather, she helped me find my own way back. 😉 Gabby teaches the metaphysical text A Course in Miracles, which you don’t have to read to understand the principles (especially when Gabby is your teacher), but it’s definitely a bonus if you have the chance to pick it up! It’s a beautiful text to turn to. 

My experience with MCM was a challenge, truly. It’s a daily effort, and it’s just a warm up for the time after the book is finished. Living mindfully, living a miracle-minded life is a full time job. You have to be open to it 100% of the time. You’ve gotta work the system otherwise, your ego will do the work for you, and you don’t want that to happen! 

I had many real breakthroughs. I laughed at my silly ego, and I cried tears of joy as I finally forgave certain people and situations. I even wrote a letter of forgiveness, to myself. I was able to let go of the pain I had caused myself. The torture I put myself through. I was able to forgive myself and heal, knowing that I have so much love in me and around me. 

There was also new awareness brought to my health. I’m living cleaner. I don’t intake drugs or alcohol nearly as much as I used to (never if I can help it). My caffeine is in the form of black tea if I ever have any. And I try to eat organic as often as possible. And SO MUCH WATER (but that’s nothing new, I’ve always been a fish). That isn’t to say that this changed overnight. I’ve been on this journey for years. It’s taken me a long time to get to the place where I am now. And I’m quite content. 

That is probably the biggest lesson I’ve learned in the last six weeks: where I am is where I’m supposed to be. Here I am, and I’m doing exactly what I need to be doing – writing this blog for you. I needn’t worry about the past, for it’s done and I needn’t worry about the future because my ~ing will work it and I’ll know what to do when the time comes. It’s quite a miraculous way to live.

The levels of synchronicity are also UP UP UP in my daily life and that can only mean one thing: I’m totally goin’ with the groove. I’m flowing with life and it feels so wonderful.

So guys, listen up. You need to get on the train. I’m not a fan of bandwagons, unless they will SERIOUSLY help you to improve your life. All you need is a little love and miracles will be knocking down your door!

http://gabbyb.tv/books