Late

It's about 2am and I'm just settling in for the night. It's a pattern that develops when I work overnight shifts at work. I get home around 2:30am and sleep most of the next morning/afternoon.

I didn't work today but I'm awake. I feel anxious; I feel antsy. I need to take a step and I have many different ones in my mind. But I'm not sure where to go.

100 new job – full time, benefits, works.
Part time substitute teach – make myself available a few days a week.
Maybe weekend waitress, while back at school – focus unknown.

(I should tell you at this point in writing this I have no idea if I will post it or not.)

I can't settle my brain enough, and I know it's my fear and ego mind talking. I recognize this. I've been trained to work against this. But I somehow can't seem to find the peace and wisdom I deserve.

Things are very stressful. My sister is getting married and my sister in law just had a baby! There are events going on at work that make it difficult to have a good attitude there.

I know I can change how I view things in my life. I know I can choose to see the difficulties as blessings on the way to a better place. For some reason I can't let myself allow the universe to work. I feel myself blocking it.

And I have to do something about it.

On the FAM front, my cycles are very long, it's taking 2 months at this point. I had this issue when I was in college. But my inner blocks are could also be having an affect, seeing as its why I haven't been updating my experience.

This read more like a diary, but I'm ok with it. I can be the only one who deals with spiritual blocks.

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Balance, Connection, Self-Care

My room is a mess. 
I just moved back into my parents’ house and I’m still partially living out of boxes. I have clothes all over the house, unopened suitcases in the basement and no room for anything. It’s also still freezing so I can’t clear out my winter clothes and bring out the spring/summer stuff yet, which is bumming me out. 

To make matters worse, I’m on my period, so I’m not hungry. Which means I can’t take my vitamins/supplements/medication, which means I’m in a depressive slump (since I missed a few days of my medicine this week). Also, I know it’s weird to not be hungry on your period – but that’s how it is for me sometimes. I’m also sick and tired of looking at piles of STUFF. I have STUFF all over and it’s so cluttered and awful. I have no room to breathe. 

But I’m also way sentimental so I hate getting rid of anything that ever meant anything to me. Those mardi gras beads hanging from a purse hook? My aunt brought them back from New Orleans for me. Sure, they’re the same ones you can buy at the drugstore for $1 a bag, but she got them in Louisiana and brought them back for me. I can’t part with them. 

My grandmother died in September of 2012, and several months ago my grandfather moved to a memory care facility because he can’t take care of himself anymore thanks to his Alzheimer’s. So the family began the process of putting their house on the market. This is a house on Cape Cod, where they lived for over twenty years. They moved all of their belongings from Connecticut where they were married and raised their family and now it was our job to clean it out. I was amazed by everything. As someone who is fascinated by vintage and antique items, I squirreled away the 1930’s mink wraps and trinkets from my grandparents’ wedding. But we tossed anything that wasn’t a photo, memory, or lasting material. 

I want to clean and detox and get connected. But I also want to do nothing because I worked 32 hours last week and 32 hours of retail, on your feet, physical activity, is tiring work. 

So, balance. How do we find it? I’m still struggling with that. I’m taking the time now to write this post – for you, for me, for my mental well-being. I get to vent, you get to read/escape. That’s taking some time for me. And as I type I’m getting hungrier, so maybe I’ll have some lunch – take time for my body. Then I’ll begin to de-clutter. I’ll take two trash bags – one for trash, one for donation clothes, etc. If I haven’t worn it all season, forget it. If I haven’t looked at it in a year – I don’t need it. If it’s plastic, junky, and just taking up space, there is no way it’s going to last until my kids are cleaning out my house. So why keep it? I don’t want to keep dwelling over the past, I want to have a peaceful place to make NEW memories. I want to live in the moment – because that’s really all that matters. 

Self-care on the road to Self-Love

We’ve all heard it before: nobody will be able to truly love you until you love yourself. 

I never knew if this was true or not, because I’ve loved friends who don’t fully love themselves yet. So maybe it’s time we change this saying around a bit. Nobody will fully love you until you TRY to love yourself.

TRY is a huge word to me. 

You can say you’re going to do your homework or get good grades; you can say you’re going to start eating better; you can say you’re going to keep up with your blog ;)…but it doesn’t matter unless you TRY. 

Self-love doesn’t come overnight. As you know if you’ve read my past blogs, I’ve never been one who has completely loved myself until recently. I was destroying myself slowly through starvation, bingeing and purging, and self-mutilation. Even though I somehow thought it was going to make everything better, I was NOT in a loving place with myself. 

But I got up every morning. And I TRIED. I sought out the help I needed, and I took the advice of my friends, family, and doctors. I TRIED every day to feed myself nutritious foods and put down the razor blade. And it was fucking hard. And it took a long time. It took relapses, and medication increases and days that I didn’t want to live. But guess what? I’m here. I’m a live and I LOVE MYSELF IN THIS MOMENT. 

I wish I could give you a step-by-step manual on how to get there. But I really can’t. But I do know that it starts and continues with self-care. I took the care to get help, but I also took the care to forgive myself when I relapsed or had a bad thought. Today, I take care to watch the content of what I put into my body – not in numbers of calories or fat grams but in wholesomeness – what chemicals am I ingesting? Is this a food that’s going to nourish me and benefit me?

I no longer strain myself at the gym – seeing as I HATE the gym. I practice yoga daily, I run around outside with the dog, and I walk frequently.  I get in my 30-45 minutes of moderate activity a day and I remember to treat myself well. If I’m tired, I rest. If I’m hungry, I EAT. Even if I just ate two hours ago. I eat something delicious and wholesome that will keep me full and do something great for my body.

I’m not saying that it’s easy, because it’s not. I’m saying that it’s possible, and it’s so worth it to say that you love yourself in this moment. 

Have a Beautiful day, xx.