Late

It's about 2am and I'm just settling in for the night. It's a pattern that develops when I work overnight shifts at work. I get home around 2:30am and sleep most of the next morning/afternoon.

I didn't work today but I'm awake. I feel anxious; I feel antsy. I need to take a step and I have many different ones in my mind. But I'm not sure where to go.

100 new job – full time, benefits, works.
Part time substitute teach – make myself available a few days a week.
Maybe weekend waitress, while back at school – focus unknown.

(I should tell you at this point in writing this I have no idea if I will post it or not.)

I can't settle my brain enough, and I know it's my fear and ego mind talking. I recognize this. I've been trained to work against this. But I somehow can't seem to find the peace and wisdom I deserve.

Things are very stressful. My sister is getting married and my sister in law just had a baby! There are events going on at work that make it difficult to have a good attitude there.

I know I can change how I view things in my life. I know I can choose to see the difficulties as blessings on the way to a better place. For some reason I can't let myself allow the universe to work. I feel myself blocking it.

And I have to do something about it.

On the FAM front, my cycles are very long, it's taking 2 months at this point. I had this issue when I was in college. But my inner blocks are could also be having an affect, seeing as its why I haven't been updating my experience.

This read more like a diary, but I'm ok with it. I can be the only one who deals with spiritual blocks.

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From God and Back

I was raised in a large, beautiful, Roman Catholic church. I went to Sunday School every week, and I sang in the choir right after at 10:00 mass. And I can honestly say it was probably the happiest time in my life. Looking back on it, I know exactly where my life began to take a turn. 

In middle school, I had a good friend. She was my best friend and we were inseparable. She convinced me to do cheerleading with her for the town. There went my Sundays. Football games, practices, and cheer competitions replaced my communion with God. 

Soon after, I began to act out a bit. I drank for the first time at 13 years old. Started lying to my parents about where I was going with this friend. And blatantly disregarding their advice and rules. After this friend and I went to different high schools, I realized I had put all of my energy into this one friendship that wasn’t serving me at all. We had a falling out and I fell into the worst parts of my life: depression, anxiety, eating disorders. 

Still, I couldn’t figure it out. I tried and tried to find religious paths that suited me. I thought that Wicca or another Pagan path could satisfy me. But time and time again, I would pick it up and loose it again. It just wasn’t for me. But I didn’t realize that at the time. For several years I lived in a haze of sadness and self-deprecation. Even as I got into college, a brand new start, nothing seemed to stick.

By this time I was AFRAID of the word “God”. I thought that if I believed in God that meant I would have to go back to believing in everything that my church taught me. And I don’t believe in many of the doctrines that the Roman Catholics put out to the world. I wanted to believe in nature in the way the world whispered to me when I walked in the woods. In the way the ocean calmed me when I strolled on the beach in the early morning. Little did I know, THIS voice was indeed God. 

As I struggled through my darkest time, just about a year ago, I stumbled upon this new generation of Spiritual Thinkers/Speakers. Gabby Bernstein was at the head of it for me and she helped me come into my own spiritually. With help from people like Mastin Kipp, Deepak Chopra, Ekchart Tolle, Marianne Williamson, and Oprah, I began to realize that God is what you make Him. God is in everything and inside of you. You just have to surrender to Him and He will lead the way. 

You are destined for greatness. The only thing stopping you is your own ego’s fears. Once you are able to release your fear and the control of your ego, you are open to Love. And God is Love. You don’t have to sit in a church every week (though if it helps, by all means DO IT), or recite certain incantations or what have you. You just have to Love. Speak to God, listen to God and believe that He has your back. 

If you’d rather call Him your ~ing (inner guide) as Gabby puts forward, by all means, do it. I did for a very long time before I became comfortable with using the word God again. But I’m so glad I did.

About nine months ago I had a conversation with my father, who is Catholic, but doesn’t attend church much anymore. He knows that he doesn’t have to because he lives rightly and does the best he can with what he is given. I told him I’d like to visit our church one day. I told him that I remember feeling very calm and comforted in the place. I LOVED going at one point. I loved the atmosphere and the people and the music. I loved that people came to worship and, for the most part, simply Love. I haven’t gone back yet, but it’s on my list. 

Today I want to stress the simple importance of Love. Don’t get caught up in semantics. God can be Jesus, Buddha, Love, your ~ing. As long as you listen to the voice in your head filled with Love and wisdom, you can’t go wrong. As long as you OPEN YOUR HEART to Love and pray to fully embody Love, you’ll live a miraculous life. 

My journey started with God as Jesus, and now my life is God as…Love. 

What’s your journey? What’s your place in life? I want to know!

Have a beautiful day, xx.

Keeping Your Chin Up in Hard $$$$$ Times.

I should say, lack of $$$$$. But regardless…

 

I’ve had several post topics in mind for a few days but I decided today to go with one that is different than the rest, but still very important to discuss. And this is one where I’d really love feedback from anyone who is reading and may be in the same situation.

I’m a college student who is, luckily, not in the position where I have to pay rent or for food. I have a wonderful extended family who has taken me in for free. I work a small part time job that pays minimum wage and I really only work weekends because I commute to school and it’s just too much. 

I also have credit card bills. 

And lots of money due this month.

Okay, it’s not thousands of dollars, but it’s a couple hundred more than I have in my checking account. And I’m not working this weekend because of the blizzard. 

So what now? How do I stay calm through all this? How do I make it work? 

This week in Gabby’s May Cause Miracles is all about “Raise Your Self-Worth, Raise Your Net-Worth”. Fitting, no? Clearly the universe is trying to tell me something by laying my financial problems on me THIS WEEK. But I’m still struggling with it. I do feel a little better. I do realize that I have all the money that I need. And when I need it, I’ll get it. But it’s so hard to keep that mindset when the actual numbers just don’t add up. I’ve never had to pay less than full on my credit cards, and the idea that I would have to…scares me. 

Why? Why does it? 

Because I’m afraid that I’m a failure if I don’t pay the full. I’m afraid it’ll look bad on my credit score. I’m afraid I’ll disappoint my mom if she finds out. ALL OF THESE THINGS ARE FEAR BASED BULLSHIT. It’s my fucking ego talking at me in stupid terms and LIES. And I didn’t really understand it fully until I just sat here typing it out. So today, I’m going to meditate on gratitude. I’m going to forgive myself for having these fears surrounding money. I’m going to pay a bit more than the minimum due on my card and move on with my life. 

Sure, I’m going to curb my spending even more than I already have. And maybe even cut up one of my credit cards. But I won’t cut up my well-being. I won’t let this one incident RULE my life. 

Can you please stick with me and say the same?

Tell me in the comments: What do you do when financial times get rough? Is it simply numbers? Do you invite spirit or God or your ~ing to intervene and give you a lift? I want to hear from you. 

Have a beautiful day, xx.

My favorite people and Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday

I’m sharing this with anyone who has the will to watch because it’s free wisdom. If you already watch Super Soul Sunday, you know what it’s about. if you don’t, this is a great little intro to give you a clue. It’s a wonderful program created by OWN to open our eyes and hearts every Sunday morning so we can live with just a little more love and God in our lives. Today three of my favorite people were the featured guests and let me tell you, I was in tears a few times during the episode.

It’s honestly so refreshing to know that so many people care about the connection we can all have to our truest self. I spent so long denying it and trying to alter myself on the outside to fit in when I really needed to be accepting myself inside and helping the world to align with myself by changing my own thoughts and beliefs. I couldn’t have done that without the outstanding guidance of Gabrielle Bernstein. And thanks to her, I was able to discover other amazing thinkers and speakers, such as the two with her on Super Soul Sunday today, Mastin Kipp and Marie Forleo – both people who have since given me amazing amounts of wisdom in my daily life, among others.

The episode today really brought me back to that place of peace again as I collected my thoughts surrounding the topics that were raised. I hope it does the same for you.

 

Super Soul Sunday 11/18