Balance, Connection, Self-Care

My room is a mess. 
I just moved back into my parents’ house and I’m still partially living out of boxes. I have clothes all over the house, unopened suitcases in the basement and no room for anything. It’s also still freezing so I can’t clear out my winter clothes and bring out the spring/summer stuff yet, which is bumming me out. 

To make matters worse, I’m on my period, so I’m not hungry. Which means I can’t take my vitamins/supplements/medication, which means I’m in a depressive slump (since I missed a few days of my medicine this week). Also, I know it’s weird to not be hungry on your period – but that’s how it is for me sometimes. I’m also sick and tired of looking at piles of STUFF. I have STUFF all over and it’s so cluttered and awful. I have no room to breathe. 

But I’m also way sentimental so I hate getting rid of anything that ever meant anything to me. Those mardi gras beads hanging from a purse hook? My aunt brought them back from New Orleans for me. Sure, they’re the same ones you can buy at the drugstore for $1 a bag, but she got them in Louisiana and brought them back for me. I can’t part with them. 

My grandmother died in September of 2012, and several months ago my grandfather moved to a memory care facility because he can’t take care of himself anymore thanks to his Alzheimer’s. So the family began the process of putting their house on the market. This is a house on Cape Cod, where they lived for over twenty years. They moved all of their belongings from Connecticut where they were married and raised their family and now it was our job to clean it out. I was amazed by everything. As someone who is fascinated by vintage and antique items, I squirreled away the 1930’s mink wraps and trinkets from my grandparents’ wedding. But we tossed anything that wasn’t a photo, memory, or lasting material. 

I want to clean and detox and get connected. But I also want to do nothing because I worked 32 hours last week and 32 hours of retail, on your feet, physical activity, is tiring work. 

So, balance. How do we find it? I’m still struggling with that. I’m taking the time now to write this post – for you, for me, for my mental well-being. I get to vent, you get to read/escape. That’s taking some time for me. And as I type I’m getting hungrier, so maybe I’ll have some lunch – take time for my body. Then I’ll begin to de-clutter. I’ll take two trash bags – one for trash, one for donation clothes, etc. If I haven’t worn it all season, forget it. If I haven’t looked at it in a year – I don’t need it. If it’s plastic, junky, and just taking up space, there is no way it’s going to last until my kids are cleaning out my house. So why keep it? I don’t want to keep dwelling over the past, I want to have a peaceful place to make NEW memories. I want to live in the moment – because that’s really all that matters. 

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Fighting for Home

I’ve been in such a whirlwind the last few weeks. It’s been a little insane, and I’ve been at the end of my rope. I’m stressed, my skin is breaking out, I pulled a muscle in my back and I wake up stiff every single morning. I’m still searching for a full time job, and working on moving out of the house I live in currently. 

In the midst of all the crazy, I’ve realized a few things. 

About ten months ago, just after Easter last year, I began attending a new church about twenty minutes south of Providence. Needless to say, I found it. I found a new relationship with God and the Universe and a connection with people that I have never felt before. And these people have taken me in and loved me better than some of my own family. Unfortunately, now I have to leave. I’ve arranged my transfer for my part-time job, and I start at the store near my hometown on the 24th of February. And as soon as I got off the phone with the manager I called my mom and cried. Because this isn’t my choice. I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to be away from this church, these people.

Yesterday I was at fellowship having tea and talking to my wonderful friends and they all told me I’m staying. One woman said she was going to talk to her husband about their pull-out couch in some spare room. Another said “You aren’t leaving!” as she told me she was going to continue looking for a place for me to live. 

I want to fight. I decided I was going to fight. But now I feel like I need to surrender. Surrender to the world and how it works. Fight while I can, but do what is ultimately going to be best for me now. I need to live in the moment. Right now I need to move back home while I get settled. And even though it hurts I have to remember that the Universe has my back. And if I’m meant to stay with my church, the Universe will be sure to keep me there. 

As much as I want to cry at all times, as much as I feel my depression creeping in and old habits begging to return, I know that things will happen. And I know that I will continue to fight for the people and places I call home. Home isn’t always where your family is or your hat or whatever. Home is usually where you feel the weight of the world lift off your shoulders when you walk in the door. Where you know you could stay for hours and not feel like you’re overstaying your welcome. 

 

Have a BEAUTIFUL day. xx