Late

It's about 2am and I'm just settling in for the night. It's a pattern that develops when I work overnight shifts at work. I get home around 2:30am and sleep most of the next morning/afternoon.

I didn't work today but I'm awake. I feel anxious; I feel antsy. I need to take a step and I have many different ones in my mind. But I'm not sure where to go.

100 new job – full time, benefits, works.
Part time substitute teach – make myself available a few days a week.
Maybe weekend waitress, while back at school – focus unknown.

(I should tell you at this point in writing this I have no idea if I will post it or not.)

I can't settle my brain enough, and I know it's my fear and ego mind talking. I recognize this. I've been trained to work against this. But I somehow can't seem to find the peace and wisdom I deserve.

Things are very stressful. My sister is getting married and my sister in law just had a baby! There are events going on at work that make it difficult to have a good attitude there.

I know I can change how I view things in my life. I know I can choose to see the difficulties as blessings on the way to a better place. For some reason I can't let myself allow the universe to work. I feel myself blocking it.

And I have to do something about it.

On the FAM front, my cycles are very long, it's taking 2 months at this point. I had this issue when I was in college. But my inner blocks are could also be having an affect, seeing as its why I haven't been updating my experience.

This read more like a diary, but I'm ok with it. I can be the only one who deals with spiritual blocks.

Working Miracles!

As some of you may know, the last six weeks of my life have been dedicated to working miracles via Gabby Bernstein’s brilliant new book, May Cause Miracles. The 42 day guide is a way to transform you life using the subtlest of shifts in your thoughts and behavior. These small changes make a HUGE impact.¬†

I’m not new to Gabby’s work or ways of teaching. In fact, she led me to spiritual discovery. She led me back to God, my ~ing, and finding my highest self. Or rather, she helped me find my own way back. ūüėČ Gabby teaches the metaphysical text A Course in Miracles, which you don’t have to read to understand the principles (especially when Gabby is your teacher), but it’s definitely a bonus if you have the chance to pick it up! It’s a beautiful text to turn to.¬†

My experience with MCM was a challenge, truly. It’s a daily effort, and it’s just a warm up for the time after the book is finished. Living mindfully, living a miracle-minded life is a full time job. You have to be open to it 100% of the time. You’ve gotta work the system otherwise, your ego will do the work for you, and you don’t want that to happen!¬†

I had many real breakthroughs. I laughed at my silly ego, and I cried tears of joy as I finally forgave certain people and situations. I even wrote a letter of forgiveness, to myself. I was able to let go of the pain I had caused myself. The torture I put myself through. I was able to forgive myself and heal, knowing that I have so much love in me and around me. 

There was also new awareness brought to my health. I’m living cleaner. I don’t intake drugs or alcohol nearly as much as I used to (never if I can help it). My caffeine is in the form of black tea if I ever have any. And I try to eat organic as often as possible. And SO MUCH WATER (but that’s nothing new, I’ve always been a fish). That isn’t to say that this changed overnight. I’ve been on this journey for years. It’s taken me a long time to get to the place where I am now. And I’m quite content.¬†

That is probably the biggest lesson I’ve learned in the last six weeks: where I am is where I’m supposed to be. Here I am, and I’m doing exactly what I need to be doing – writing this blog for you. I needn’t worry about the past, for it’s done and I needn’t worry about the future because my ~ing will work it and I’ll know what to do when the time comes. It’s quite a miraculous way to live.

The levels of synchronicity are also UP UP UP in my daily life and that can only mean one thing: I’m totally goin’ with the groove. I’m flowing with life and it feels so wonderful.

So guys, listen up. You need to get on the train. I’m not a fan of bandwagons, unless they will SERIOUSLY help you to improve your life. All you need is a little love and miracles will be knocking down your door!

http://gabbyb.tv/books

Lessons In BabyGap

I wrote this post, and then lost it. It was beautiful and fantastic and the fact that I lost it makes me want to CRY. But I guess it happened for a reason, right? So here we go, round two.

If you don’t know, I work at the Gap. Usually, in BabyGap. And I absolutely adore it.

Long story short (after losing my first copy of this I’m way too lazy to write out the ENTIRE post again, apologies), the children always bring me back to earth about what is real and beautiful in life. Almost daily, a mother or father or couple will come in with a young child, either an infant or a little one under the age of 7 or 8. And every now and then he or she will be a real gem.

It’s rare that I ever find a truly shy child. Most of the time, they come in and smile at me, and we immediately get to playing games while their parent(s) shop. They try to hide, I pretend that I can’t find them. One time, a grandmother had to return to her car and left her grandson in my care. I was working in GapKids that day. And he stood with me at the register and we talked. I asked him what he wanted for Christmas, he told me about what he was buying for his big sister. It was as if we were old friends or cousins.

Peek-a-boo is the most basic children’s game and it never fails to entertain. I used to wonder why, but I no longer do. It’s quite simple. Children can’t fathom that a person can simply hide. They don’t understand that someone can mask a part of themselves from someone. They believe in the goodness and truth of a human being. So the idea that you haven’t just disappeared and you’re, in fact, being false, doesn’t occur to them. And it isn’t because they aren’t educated, it’s because they aren’t tainted by the¬†falsehoods¬†of the world around them. They’re quite pure in that way and they are what we all should strive to be more like.

My favorite experience, by far was this next one. I was working in BabyGap, but I crossed over to Kids’ for a moment. Two girls around the age of 7 or 8 were leaving with their mother. And saying goodbye to everyone they passed. They saw me come in and said “Bye pretty girl!” I said goodbye. One shouted “I love you!” and the other said “I love you too!”

And their mother just laughed, maybe a little embarrassed. But I was touched. And they probably did love me. And I assured them I loved them too. Because of course I do. Why can’t we say I love you to everyone we pass by? Why?

Have a beautiful day, xx.

Minor Miracle Setbacks

The truth is, it isn’t easy to change your mindset all in a few months. You can read the books, do the work, practice the prayers and meditations. But there are going to be setbacks. I had one of my own this week, I had to really plug in to my practice and the universe in order to re-evaluate the situation.

I’m have a part-time job at the Gap in a neighboring town. I’m taking a semester off from school, but I’m going back in January. I live with family and I don’t have to pay rent or for food, which is an amazing set up. But around the holidays, my co-workers increase and my hours decrease. So, yes, my paychecks have literally been cut nearly in HALF. And I had a minor freak out.

“I just set up my budget and now I can’t make it.”¬†

“I have no self-control over spending money.”

“I suck at saving anything more than a few dollars a month.”

All of these and more negative, fear-oriented thoughts FLOODED my brain. And I went crazy trying to figure out how to make a little extra money so I can have all the things I think I need and be successful in my life. 

And this morning, after days of considering the MOST ridiculous options (it’s¬†embarrassing, so I won’t get into it!), I finally had a breakthrough. I remembered once again that MONEY ISN’T EVERYTHING. And what I can GET is NEVER going to be as good as what I can GIVE.¬†

MONEY will not make me HAPPY. MONEY will not make me SATISFIED in my personal life. THESE THINGS are not the answer. And now I’ve come home again, back to my place of love and giving and peace. I’ve accepted and forgiven myself for my fearful thoughts and I’m changing them into something I can really believe in.¬†

“I have a budget for a reason, and I can follow it.”

“I think hard about my purchases and use my money wisely.”

“I save up as much money as I need each month.”

 

Have a beautiful day. xx.