Late

It's about 2am and I'm just settling in for the night. It's a pattern that develops when I work overnight shifts at work. I get home around 2:30am and sleep most of the next morning/afternoon.

I didn't work today but I'm awake. I feel anxious; I feel antsy. I need to take a step and I have many different ones in my mind. But I'm not sure where to go.

100 new job – full time, benefits, works.
Part time substitute teach – make myself available a few days a week.
Maybe weekend waitress, while back at school – focus unknown.

(I should tell you at this point in writing this I have no idea if I will post it or not.)

I can't settle my brain enough, and I know it's my fear and ego mind talking. I recognize this. I've been trained to work against this. But I somehow can't seem to find the peace and wisdom I deserve.

Things are very stressful. My sister is getting married and my sister in law just had a baby! There are events going on at work that make it difficult to have a good attitude there.

I know I can change how I view things in my life. I know I can choose to see the difficulties as blessings on the way to a better place. For some reason I can't let myself allow the universe to work. I feel myself blocking it.

And I have to do something about it.

On the FAM front, my cycles are very long, it's taking 2 months at this point. I had this issue when I was in college. But my inner blocks are could also be having an affect, seeing as its why I haven't been updating my experience.

This read more like a diary, but I'm ok with it. I can be the only one who deals with spiritual blocks.

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Start: Week 1 – Bye Bye, Birth Control

The reactions that I have received in telling a few close friends about stopping my birth control are ones that I expected. Most hovered in the area of “well you need to go to the doctor you can’t just stop” and “aw you’ll be the next one pregnant!”. While neither of those are necessarily true, they do have some resonance.

Can I just stop taking my pills? I took my last “real” pill yesterday and I’m on my final placebo week. Of course I have been doing research and watching videos of others’ experiences coming off hormonal birth control. Truthfully, I don’t really want to go back to my doctor (I actually use Planned Parenthood at the moment), because I don’t want them to say “oh lets try another pill we can find one that’s right for you.” So yes, I can stop taking my pill. Will I have side effects from the lack of those particular hormones? Quite possibly. My body has been altered so much by these fake hormones that I don’t know what could happen. But I still believe that our bodies have the ability to heal themselves as long as we treat them right.

I shouldn’t have to go through horrible symptoms and trials and errors to find birth control that works for me. Men, grab a condom and you’re good for pregnancy AND STD’s. We have it a little bit harder. I should be able to find a reliable, safe, natural method of birth control that I can use that doesn’t make me crazy! I already have depression and anxiety – and I truly believe since starting hormonal birth control both have become exponentially worse.

I feel like I have lost a big lust for life. Yes, my sex drive is also down so that “lusty” part is also a struggle. But in general, I have become duller. I lack motivation in the morning when I have plenty to do – even today, with this blog post on my to-do list, I rolled around in bed for almost 3 hours before starting it. Sure, I was up and down. I had some toast, popped my vitamins, and called my mom. Still, there’s something missing. I feel almost numb, the way I was before I got on my anti-depressant (yes I am for natural methods of medication but my anti-depressant literally saved my life. I’m working on getting off of it slowly but right now it is something that keeps me functioning – balance!).

I’ve received my copy of Taking Charge of Your Fertility and I’m absorbing it all. I just wish I could shove it in my friends faces sometimes. I want to say “this is different, but not. It is new, but it’s old. And I can do it and make it work”. But that might take a while.

This week is almost a prep week – I’ll have my “period” probably Tuesday thru Thursday and then hopefully my body will begin to try and balance itself out.

Questions, comments, concerns? I’d love your feedback and/or advice on transitioning into FAM. Do you think I’m moving too fast? Why? Still skeptical? – Tell me your concerns. Knowledge is power – who says we can’t learn together!?

xx

Fighting for Home

I’ve been in such a whirlwind the last few weeks. It’s been a little insane, and I’ve been at the end of my rope. I’m stressed, my skin is breaking out, I pulled a muscle in my back and I wake up stiff every single morning. I’m still searching for a full time job, and working on moving out of the house I live in currently. 

In the midst of all the crazy, I’ve realized a few things. 

About ten months ago, just after Easter last year, I began attending a new church about twenty minutes south of Providence. Needless to say, I found it. I found a new relationship with God and the Universe and a connection with people that I have never felt before. And these people have taken me in and loved me better than some of my own family. Unfortunately, now I have to leave. I’ve arranged my transfer for my part-time job, and I start at the store near my hometown on the 24th of February. And as soon as I got off the phone with the manager I called my mom and cried. Because this isn’t my choice. I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to be away from this church, these people.

Yesterday I was at fellowship having tea and talking to my wonderful friends and they all told me I’m staying. One woman said she was going to talk to her husband about their pull-out couch in some spare room. Another said “You aren’t leaving!” as she told me she was going to continue looking for a place for me to live. 

I want to fight. I decided I was going to fight. But now I feel like I need to surrender. Surrender to the world and how it works. Fight while I can, but do what is ultimately going to be best for me now. I need to live in the moment. Right now I need to move back home while I get settled. And even though it hurts I have to remember that the Universe has my back. And if I’m meant to stay with my church, the Universe will be sure to keep me there. 

As much as I want to cry at all times, as much as I feel my depression creeping in and old habits begging to return, I know that things will happen. And I know that I will continue to fight for the people and places I call home. Home isn’t always where your family is or your hat or whatever. Home is usually where you feel the weight of the world lift off your shoulders when you walk in the door. Where you know you could stay for hours and not feel like you’re overstaying your welcome. 

 

Have a BEAUTIFUL day. xx

Face Your Emotions & Become Strong

I had a groundbreaking event happen this weekend. I’m not going to go into much detail but the main points are: It was a very important event/experience, once in a lifetime (more or less), and I truly have no regrets.

And I’ve spoken to close friends about it and gotten their opinions, and I’ve thought about it on my own and tried to dissect my feelings around it. And all the while, people around me keep moving. Work comes and goes, my family calls and checks in on my health and how my adjustment is going as I get ready to move back to my parents’ house.

But nobody notices I’m going through something inside of me. And I guess that’s normal, I’m used to hiding things from people. But this is something that I’m battling with. A part of me wants to share it with the word, but another part of me wants to keep it quiet. And a whole other part of me is hurt and destroyed by it. 

A part of me wants to shout “HEY CAN’T YOU GUYS SEE I’M GOING THROUGH SOMETHING HERE?!” 

But I know they wouldn’t hear me. And I know they don’t need to. Because right now I need to be looking inside of myself. All these signs around me, from songs, to television shows, to books, are telling me to step back, step inside and really see what’s going on. Why I’m feeling the way I am, whether it’s good or bad, and what it means for me. It by no means defines me, but it changes my outlook on things a little bit. 

I’m a very emotional person. And sometimes I hate that about myself. But a close friend recently told me something I need to realize – that part of me, the over-emotional, slightly dramatic and romantic part of me, is the best part of me, and it’s what life is all about. 

I don’t enjoy being the dramatic one, the one who needs help, the one who is damaged. But that is who I am. I’m severely damaged. To a point most people don’t understand. I’m the one who has my therapist on speed dial. I’m the one who has learned so much about her diseases that she could diagnose someone off the street (though I wouldn’t try to). 

And all of this – these parts of me, they add up to something, I guess. Me. I’m stronger for what I’ve come through. And it’s because I’ve learned to face my emotions. I’ve learned to tap into myself and really feel what is going on in my body and mind and then address it. I wasn’t cutting because it was fun. It was either because A. I was broken and depressed I wanted to feel some other form of pain, or B. I was so numb that I wanted to feel anything. I covered and hid my emotions to the point of self-destruction. And I couldn’t stop until I faced the reason I started. And that began with my emotions. Those scary, brutal, beautiful things that we have to deal with from day to day.

But they make us who we are. We press forth, we feel them and we become stronger. So please. Give yourself a chance to feel what your body is trying to tell you. 

Have a beautiful day, xx.

Job Depression

At the age of 17 or so, society expects us to decide what we want to do for the next fifty years of our lives. We take dozens of tests, break our necks in school to pass classes, get into college, and start the next phase in our lives. 

And then we graduate. We break our necks AGAIN to pass more exams and finish college. And we are expected to continue on a solid path toward SOME kind of career. Something that will make us some money, but not a job that is so lofty that we’ll never make it. 

So we apply for jobs BEFORE graduation. And, if a month has gone by after the end of our college career and we don’t have a job, we’re attacked. Questioned. Pressured. “How’s the job search?” “What do you want to do?” “What was your degree in, again?” 

And here I am. Fresh out of college with a shiny new Bachelor’s degree and a diploma sitting on my bookshelf. And it’s been a single month since the end of my final semester. And I’m still working part time retail and about to move back in with my parents. And I’m depressed.

Now, I’ve had depression since I was about 14 – I’ve been in and out of therapy since then and I’ve been on anti-depressants for two years. So I’m stable. And I’m generally happy. But the last two weeks or so have gotten to me. I’m depressed, I can’t lose the small amount of weight that I gained over the holidays (oh, Christmas cookies our love/hate relationship is hard), and I’m lonely. I’m isolated in my current living situation and I’m not wanted in it either. 

But recently I’ve also had a lot of extra time to think and read and write. And I’m learning to try and accept. I accept where I am right now. I accept where I’m going in the near future. And I’m trying to accept that not everyone is as genuine as I am. Not everyone is as free-spirited. Some people plan. Some people have goals and actions they know they have to take. But I’m accepting that I am not that person. I am a bit of a floater. I don’t really know what I want to do for the next forty years or so. I really don’t. I have ideas, but I don’t have real ideas.

And I’m beginning to accept that. 

Live YOUR Truth – No One Else’s

I’m at a very interesting point in my life. Emotionally, spiritually, and well…actually. 

I live with my aunt and uncle and bratty 17 year old cousin (male), rent free, while I work and finish school. The story of how I got here is too long. But I’m here. And I’m fairly self-sufficient and things run pretty smoothly for us here. 

One thing I have had to work very hard at keeping intact is my own truth. I am very different from this family. Sure, we have similar values and my aunt and uncle only want what’s best for me. But we have different ideas of WHAT those things are, and how I should go about getting to them. 

Admittedly, I’m a very emotionally sensitive person. I’m very empathic. I’m also very positive and kind. I don’t like to make others feel bad or put them down. My 17 year old cousin, on the other hand, thinks it’s HILARIOUS to torture me and make me feel like shit and have to get defensive. And my aunt just tells me to throw it back at him, don’t let it get to me. But…that’s not who I am. I can’t come up with insults off the cuff because I DON’T ENJOY GIVING THEM. Why should I enjoy making other people feel bad, even if it’s just a joke? It’s not funny. 

So as hard as it is, and as much as it hurts, I have to learn to let it roll off my back. Some days I can’t and I really take it to heart. Other times I can just ignore it and remind myself that I am MADE OF LOVE and don’t have to worry about anything else. I forgive him and move on. 

In a similar vein, I have professional differences with my aunt. She is a third year law student and former government employee. She and my uncle are both academics. I’m taking an extra semester to finish school, and I don’t even want to think about grad school. My aunt is all about The Plan – having one and executing one. I’m SO not. I let life comes as it happens. I take care of myself, my money and my life and I look for things that make me happy. I go with the flow and know that there is a universal plan for me and that everything is going to be a-okay. 

Decisions? I don’t make ’em. I hate making ’em. I only make ’em if my life or well being depends on it. I don’t even know what I want to do after graduation. And honestly, I’m SICK of being told what I should be doing by someone who really doesn’t get me. She doesn’t get my close relationship with my mother. She doesn’t get that not EVERYTHING depends on The Plan.

So my lesson here to you is DON’T LOSE YOUR TRUTH. Don’t let people around you try to stifle what you know in your heart and gut to be real. Because if you feel it that deeply and passionately then, IT’S REAL and nobody can take it away from you. 

 

Keeping Your Chin Up in Hard $$$$$ Times.

I should say, lack of $$$$$. But regardless…

 

I’ve had several post topics in mind for a few days but I decided today to go with one that is different than the rest, but still very important to discuss. And this is one where I’d really love feedback from anyone who is reading and may be in the same situation.

I’m a college student who is, luckily, not in the position where I have to pay rent or for food. I have a wonderful extended family who has taken me in for free. I work a small part time job that pays minimum wage and I really only work weekends because I commute to school and it’s just too much. 

I also have credit card bills. 

And lots of money due this month.

Okay, it’s not thousands of dollars, but it’s a couple hundred more than I have in my checking account. And I’m not working this weekend because of the blizzard. 

So what now? How do I stay calm through all this? How do I make it work? 

This week in Gabby’s May Cause Miracles is all about “Raise Your Self-Worth, Raise Your Net-Worth”. Fitting, no? Clearly the universe is trying to tell me something by laying my financial problems on me THIS WEEK. But I’m still struggling with it. I do feel a little better. I do realize that I have all the money that I need. And when I need it, I’ll get it. But it’s so hard to keep that mindset when the actual numbers just don’t add up. I’ve never had to pay less than full on my credit cards, and the idea that I would have to…scares me. 

Why? Why does it? 

Because I’m afraid that I’m a failure if I don’t pay the full. I’m afraid it’ll look bad on my credit score. I’m afraid I’ll disappoint my mom if she finds out. ALL OF THESE THINGS ARE FEAR BASED BULLSHIT. It’s my fucking ego talking at me in stupid terms and LIES. And I didn’t really understand it fully until I just sat here typing it out. So today, I’m going to meditate on gratitude. I’m going to forgive myself for having these fears surrounding money. I’m going to pay a bit more than the minimum due on my card and move on with my life. 

Sure, I’m going to curb my spending even more than I already have. And maybe even cut up one of my credit cards. But I won’t cut up my well-being. I won’t let this one incident RULE my life. 

Can you please stick with me and say the same?

Tell me in the comments: What do you do when financial times get rough? Is it simply numbers? Do you invite spirit or God or your ~ing to intervene and give you a lift? I want to hear from you. 

Have a beautiful day, xx.