Late

It's about 2am and I'm just settling in for the night. It's a pattern that develops when I work overnight shifts at work. I get home around 2:30am and sleep most of the next morning/afternoon.

I didn't work today but I'm awake. I feel anxious; I feel antsy. I need to take a step and I have many different ones in my mind. But I'm not sure where to go.

100 new job – full time, benefits, works.
Part time substitute teach – make myself available a few days a week.
Maybe weekend waitress, while back at school – focus unknown.

(I should tell you at this point in writing this I have no idea if I will post it or not.)

I can't settle my brain enough, and I know it's my fear and ego mind talking. I recognize this. I've been trained to work against this. But I somehow can't seem to find the peace and wisdom I deserve.

Things are very stressful. My sister is getting married and my sister in law just had a baby! There are events going on at work that make it difficult to have a good attitude there.

I know I can change how I view things in my life. I know I can choose to see the difficulties as blessings on the way to a better place. For some reason I can't let myself allow the universe to work. I feel myself blocking it.

And I have to do something about it.

On the FAM front, my cycles are very long, it's taking 2 months at this point. I had this issue when I was in college. But my inner blocks are could also be having an affect, seeing as its why I haven't been updating my experience.

This read more like a diary, but I'm ok with it. I can be the only one who deals with spiritual blocks.

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Hauntings

I was sick last weekend – awful. I was nauseated at work on Saturday, and when I got home I went to bed early. During the middle of the night I woke up and spent the next 2 hours vomiting. Sunday wasn’t much better as my stomach still wasn’t settled. Even on Monday, I wasn’t completely better. In fact, all week my stomach has been off. I chalked it up to anxiety over something. And today I’m better, but some foods still make my stomach turn.

I’m getting to my point. I didn’t feel up to much this week. Between being sick and the onset of my period, I haven’t been to yoga once. I practiced at home on Wednesday morning, but that’s about it. I also haven’t been eating well – in quality or quantity. So needless to say, I feel kind of crummy! It’s incredible how good, whole food can make you feel so wonderful. But right now – the thought of it makes me want to ralph. My mom made this cauliflower quinoa risotto dish that I usually LOVE. But just looking at it grosses me out. And it sucks.

So I went to Rhode Island yesterday for a quick visit to my old work, and my old church for the Maundy Thursday service. After the service I was saying my goodbyes and my good friend says to me “Are you eating?”. And I kind of laughed. I could honestly say “Yes I’m eating, but I did lose weight.” I’ve been home, practicing yoga regularly, walking, hiking with friends, eating clean about 85-90% of the time. But in the last 2 months I have lost about 10 pounds – without thinking about it. I knew when I moved home that I was heavier than I wanted to be, because my clothes weren’t fitting. But it wasn’t until I went to the gynecologist last month that I realized I was losing weight. 

And I had a flashback. To high school, to college. When this question used to be desired, but also dreaded. If they asked, they noticed I was losing weight. But if they asked that also meant they might have noticed that I wasn’t eating. And I was flooded with out of nowhere anxiety on the drive home. Am I ok? Am I going to fall back into my old habits? Is everyone going to think I have an eating disorder again? I knew all these thoughts were ridiculous but I couldn’t shake them.

I tried to laugh it off to myself. But I couldn’t help but be filled with stomach churning anxiety on the subject. Totally unwarranted. Seeing as I’m the one who is in control of my life. My EDNOS doesn’t control me anymore. It doesn’t dictate what I eat, how I feel, who I’m good enough for. I’m the only one who can decide these things.  I guess sometimes we all just need a little reminder. Nobody can make you feel anything you don’t want to feel. You are the only one who controls your reactions to situations. Sometimes it’s hard.

Sometimes you have feelings you think you can’t control – depression, anxiety. Sometimes you have feelings for a person that you think are so strong they could never go away – even if they aren’t reciprocated. But they’ll fade. If you let them go. If you surrender to happiness and health and well being you’ll find peace in yourself. I truly believe that.

Happy Good Friday & Have a BEAUTIFUL day!

Self-care on the road to Self-Love

We’ve all heard it before: nobody will be able to truly love you until you love yourself. 

I never knew if this was true or not, because I’ve loved friends who don’t fully love themselves yet. So maybe it’s time we change this saying around a bit. Nobody will fully love you until you TRY to love yourself.

TRY is a huge word to me. 

You can say you’re going to do your homework or get good grades; you can say you’re going to start eating better; you can say you’re going to keep up with your blog ;)…but it doesn’t matter unless you TRY. 

Self-love doesn’t come overnight. As you know if you’ve read my past blogs, I’ve never been one who has completely loved myself until recently. I was destroying myself slowly through starvation, bingeing and purging, and self-mutilation. Even though I somehow thought it was going to make everything better, I was NOT in a loving place with myself. 

But I got up every morning. And I TRIED. I sought out the help I needed, and I took the advice of my friends, family, and doctors. I TRIED every day to feed myself nutritious foods and put down the razor blade. And it was fucking hard. And it took a long time. It took relapses, and medication increases and days that I didn’t want to live. But guess what? I’m here. I’m a live and I LOVE MYSELF IN THIS MOMENT. 

I wish I could give you a step-by-step manual on how to get there. But I really can’t. But I do know that it starts and continues with self-care. I took the care to get help, but I also took the care to forgive myself when I relapsed or had a bad thought. Today, I take care to watch the content of what I put into my body – not in numbers of calories or fat grams but in wholesomeness – what chemicals am I ingesting? Is this a food that’s going to nourish me and benefit me?

I no longer strain myself at the gym – seeing as I HATE the gym. I practice yoga daily, I run around outside with the dog, and I walk frequently.  I get in my 30-45 minutes of moderate activity a day and I remember to treat myself well. If I’m tired, I rest. If I’m hungry, I EAT. Even if I just ate two hours ago. I eat something delicious and wholesome that will keep me full and do something great for my body.

I’m not saying that it’s easy, because it’s not. I’m saying that it’s possible, and it’s so worth it to say that you love yourself in this moment. 

Have a Beautiful day, xx.

When Life Gets in the way of Life

Hi all, how have you been?

 

I’ve been CRAZY the last six or seven months. I wrapped up another semester of school, as well as a summer class. I’ve had pitfalls and heartbreaks and epiphanies galore. But most importantly, I’ve missed blogging. I’ve missed having a public forum to reach out to. Another part of this communication that I like is the integration of the internet. Now, when I’m not in class or at work I’m usually online doing something. I love learning and exploring and one of the best ways to do that these days is the internet.

Now I hear you asking, “But Ellen, you seem so disconnected from technology and all about being in tune with the world and your inner-self, how can you do both?”

Oh, dear readers, it is difficult, but I’m going to keep on exploring it until I get it right. And this is just the beginning.

 

xx,

E

Holidays and Letting it Flow

Happy Holidays! Whatever you celebrate, I hope that this season is bringing you joy, love and light. As the days begin to get longer, and the new year beckons, we begin to stop and consider ourselves a bit more. We take a look at what we can do to make ourselves feel better physically, mentally and emotionally. 

If you’re anything like me (or the rest of the world), the holiday season can bring up a ton of emotions and fears. Families get together, things can get tense and sometimes we lose ourselves in the hustle and bustle. But what we need to do is focus and let it go. Realize, for a minute, what you were doing this time last year. Recognize it, and recognize the change from last year to now. Be proud of what you’ve accomplished and then let it go. Remember to always be present. Yes, this is a time for reminiscing and for thinking about the future. But because of that, it is especially important to be present. 

If you struggle with anything at this time of year, take it easy on yourself. This season marks one year since I began to hit bottom and get some serious help for my eating disorders and cutting. I didn’t stop completely a year ago, but I began my journey toward healing. So even though a year ago I was so, so far worse off, I still get very anxious when I realize I may have put on a little weight because of all the delicious cookies I’ve been munching on! But before I have panic attacks, I try to remind myself that next year, I’ll feel even better. And that the feeling of anxiety will pass. I remember that I know the truth of the situation, that I am love and I am loved. That’s all I need to remember.

That’s all you need to remember. If you’ve got something you’re trying to keep in check, whether it be an addiction or your tend to yell at your little brother for eating off your plate – just breathe and let go. Be happy you’ve made it this far and that your brother is there laughing next to you. 

have a beautiful holiday xx

Minor Miracle Setbacks

The truth is, it isn’t easy to change your mindset all in a few months. You can read the books, do the work, practice the prayers and meditations. But there are going to be setbacks. I had one of my own this week, I had to really plug in to my practice and the universe in order to re-evaluate the situation.

I’m have a part-time job at the Gap in a neighboring town. I’m taking a semester off from school, but I’m going back in January. I live with family and I don’t have to pay rent or for food, which is an amazing set up. But around the holidays, my co-workers increase and my hours decrease. So, yes, my paychecks have literally been cut nearly in HALF. And I had a minor freak out.

“I just set up my budget and now I can’t make it.” 

“I have no self-control over spending money.”

“I suck at saving anything more than a few dollars a month.”

All of these and more negative, fear-oriented thoughts FLOODED my brain. And I went crazy trying to figure out how to make a little extra money so I can have all the things I think I need and be successful in my life. 

And this morning, after days of considering the MOST ridiculous options (it’s embarrassing, so I won’t get into it!), I finally had a breakthrough. I remembered once again that MONEY ISN’T EVERYTHING. And what I can GET is NEVER going to be as good as what I can GIVE. 

MONEY will not make me HAPPY. MONEY will not make me SATISFIED in my personal life. THESE THINGS are not the answer. And now I’ve come home again, back to my place of love and giving and peace. I’ve accepted and forgiven myself for my fearful thoughts and I’m changing them into something I can really believe in. 

“I have a budget for a reason, and I can follow it.”

“I think hard about my purchases and use my money wisely.”

“I save up as much money as I need each month.”

 

Have a beautiful day. xx.