Late

It's about 2am and I'm just settling in for the night. It's a pattern that develops when I work overnight shifts at work. I get home around 2:30am and sleep most of the next morning/afternoon.

I didn't work today but I'm awake. I feel anxious; I feel antsy. I need to take a step and I have many different ones in my mind. But I'm not sure where to go.

100 new job – full time, benefits, works.
Part time substitute teach – make myself available a few days a week.
Maybe weekend waitress, while back at school – focus unknown.

(I should tell you at this point in writing this I have no idea if I will post it or not.)

I can't settle my brain enough, and I know it's my fear and ego mind talking. I recognize this. I've been trained to work against this. But I somehow can't seem to find the peace and wisdom I deserve.

Things are very stressful. My sister is getting married and my sister in law just had a baby! There are events going on at work that make it difficult to have a good attitude there.

I know I can change how I view things in my life. I know I can choose to see the difficulties as blessings on the way to a better place. For some reason I can't let myself allow the universe to work. I feel myself blocking it.

And I have to do something about it.

On the FAM front, my cycles are very long, it's taking 2 months at this point. I had this issue when I was in college. But my inner blocks are could also be having an affect, seeing as its why I haven't been updating my experience.

This read more like a diary, but I'm ok with it. I can be the only one who deals with spiritual blocks.

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Minor Miracle Setbacks

The truth is, it isn’t easy to change your mindset all in a few months. You can read the books, do the work, practice the prayers and meditations. But there are going to be setbacks. I had one of my own this week, I had to really plug in to my practice and the universe in order to re-evaluate the situation.

I’m have a part-time job at the Gap in a neighboring town. I’m taking a semester off from school, but I’m going back in January. I live with family and I don’t have to pay rent or for food, which is an amazing set up. But around the holidays, my co-workers increase and my hours decrease. So, yes, my paychecks have literally been cut nearly in HALF. And I had a minor freak out.

“I just set up my budget and now I can’t make it.” 

“I have no self-control over spending money.”

“I suck at saving anything more than a few dollars a month.”

All of these and more negative, fear-oriented thoughts FLOODED my brain. And I went crazy trying to figure out how to make a little extra money so I can have all the things I think I need and be successful in my life. 

And this morning, after days of considering the MOST ridiculous options (it’s embarrassing, so I won’t get into it!), I finally had a breakthrough. I remembered once again that MONEY ISN’T EVERYTHING. And what I can GET is NEVER going to be as good as what I can GIVE. 

MONEY will not make me HAPPY. MONEY will not make me SATISFIED in my personal life. THESE THINGS are not the answer. And now I’ve come home again, back to my place of love and giving and peace. I’ve accepted and forgiven myself for my fearful thoughts and I’m changing them into something I can really believe in. 

“I have a budget for a reason, and I can follow it.”

“I think hard about my purchases and use my money wisely.”

“I save up as much money as I need each month.”

 

Have a beautiful day. xx.