Fighting for Home

I’ve been in such a whirlwind the last few weeks. It’s been a little insane, and I’ve been at the end of my rope. I’m stressed, my skin is breaking out, I pulled a muscle in my back and I wake up stiff every single morning. I’m still searching for a full time job, and working on moving out of the house I live in currently. 

In the midst of all the crazy, I’ve realized a few things. 

About ten months ago, just after Easter last year, I began attending a new church about twenty minutes south of Providence. Needless to say, I found it. I found a new relationship with God and the Universe and a connection with people that I have never felt before. And these people have taken me in and loved me better than some of my own family. Unfortunately, now I have to leave. I’ve arranged my transfer for my part-time job, and I start at the store near my hometown on the 24th of February. And as soon as I got off the phone with the manager I called my mom and cried. Because this isn’t my choice. I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to be away from this church, these people.

Yesterday I was at fellowship having tea and talking to my wonderful friends and they all told me I’m staying. One woman said she was going to talk to her husband about their pull-out couch in some spare room. Another said “You aren’t leaving!” as she told me she was going to continue looking for a place for me to live. 

I want to fight. I decided I was going to fight. But now I feel like I need to surrender. Surrender to the world and how it works. Fight while I can, but do what is ultimately going to be best for me now. I need to live in the moment. Right now I need to move back home while I get settled. And even though it hurts I have to remember that the Universe has my back. And if I’m meant to stay with my church, the Universe will be sure to keep me there. 

As much as I want to cry at all times, as much as I feel my depression creeping in and old habits begging to return, I know that things will happen. And I know that I will continue to fight for the people and places I call home. Home isn’t always where your family is or your hat or whatever. Home is usually where you feel the weight of the world lift off your shoulders when you walk in the door. Where you know you could stay for hours and not feel like you’re overstaying your welcome. 

 

Have a BEAUTIFUL day. xx

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Press PAUSE

Afternoon, everyone and Happy Sunday!

It’s been a little bit of a whirlwind week, so I’m a little later than I anticipated on getting my post up. But trust me, I have GOOD reason. 

So last time I checked in I was in serious change mode. The plan was Arizona, ASAP (well, April). As soon as I returned to Rhode Island, everything turned upside down. The atmosphere in the house has turned ice cold and I feel like I’m being pushed out of this house so fast that I can’t catch my breath or get my bearings. All I keep hearing is how I need to get a full time job, how maybe it would be easier if I was with my parents in my hometown. Just, passive aggressive comments to try and get me to move out. 

But I have a life here. I have a part-time job, I have a church that I love, and I’m not ready to leave. And having all of this pushed on me so fast has made me realize I’m really not ready to leave New England yet. I went for a walk the other day and I looked around at the old buildings, the architecture that is so characteristic of this part of the country, and I realized that I’m not ready to leave it all behind. I like that I’m so close to my parents and my hometown. My parents, my godfather, and their friends are my real family. They are the people I look forward to seeing the most when I travel home. 

So my point is in all this is that sometimes we need to get grounded. We need to get centered and take a minute. I did just graduate from college and yes, I need to start looking for a full time job – it’s that time. But I can’t expect to get one next week. And I also have no idea what I want to do with my life yet so I’m in an exploratory mode for sure. 

My advice is this: regardless of what is going on around you, the buzzing, the pressure, try to get centered. Go for a walk, sit down to meditate, write, do something creative that you love. Get grounded back into you. What makes your heart swell with joy? What puts a smile on your face like nothing else? What eases your tension when you’ve had a horrible day? These are the things you need to do forever. 

 

Have a BEAUTIFUL day, xo.