Late

It's about 2am and I'm just settling in for the night. It's a pattern that develops when I work overnight shifts at work. I get home around 2:30am and sleep most of the next morning/afternoon.

I didn't work today but I'm awake. I feel anxious; I feel antsy. I need to take a step and I have many different ones in my mind. But I'm not sure where to go.

100 new job – full time, benefits, works.
Part time substitute teach – make myself available a few days a week.
Maybe weekend waitress, while back at school – focus unknown.

(I should tell you at this point in writing this I have no idea if I will post it or not.)

I can't settle my brain enough, and I know it's my fear and ego mind talking. I recognize this. I've been trained to work against this. But I somehow can't seem to find the peace and wisdom I deserve.

Things are very stressful. My sister is getting married and my sister in law just had a baby! There are events going on at work that make it difficult to have a good attitude there.

I know I can change how I view things in my life. I know I can choose to see the difficulties as blessings on the way to a better place. For some reason I can't let myself allow the universe to work. I feel myself blocking it.

And I have to do something about it.

On the FAM front, my cycles are very long, it's taking 2 months at this point. I had this issue when I was in college. But my inner blocks are could also be having an affect, seeing as its why I haven't been updating my experience.

This read more like a diary, but I'm ok with it. I can be the only one who deals with spiritual blocks.

Is out of balance REALLY out of balance?

I mean, what is real balance anyway? How is it supposed to be defined?

Merriam-Webster says: the ability to move or to remain in a position without losing control or falling

also; mental and emotional steadiness.

Okay, so that’s a good starting point. Balance is a state of equilibrium, with emphasis on the DON’T FALL part, right?

I think of balance and think of that scene in Eat, Pray, Love (which is so nicely shown in the film, and sometimes harder to picture in the book). Ketut shows Liz a piece of paper with a simple grid, just two lines in the shape of an equal cross. And he describes living a balanced life – between heaven and earth. “Not too much God, not too much selfish. Otherwise, life too crazy. You lose balance, you lose power.”

And then of course, Liz falls in love and she thinks she’s all out of balance and because she hasn’t meditated for eighteen hours that day she’s living a horrible life and will never regain focus again. And then he teaches her: “Sometimes losing balance for love is part of living balanced life.”

If you’re a subscriber to The Daily Love, you may have seen the most recent episode of DailyLoveTV, wherein Mastin answers an awesome question that’s really been hitting home with me. And (I didn’t realize this until this very second typing) was kind of the inspiration for beginning this post. If you haven’t watched it, check it out…

Now that you’ve watched that, you may understand where this is going.

It’s no secret that I’m a little crazy. Especially when it comes to my relationships (or lack of, for the most part). Because when I fall, I fall HARD. You can talk to me for 15 minutes and I’m already imagining our third date…until your girlfriend comes back from the bathroom and gives me the stink eye. Regardless, I’m known to get in too deep and then still somehow be surprised when I’m heartbroken because I cared the most. As much as I’ve been told to – I’ve never allowed myself to shut that part of me down. It does knock me off balance. I get swept up in checking my phone every ten minutes. I forget to pray. I eat a bag of potato chips and queso when he doesn’t text me back. I wash those down with a few shots of bourbon. I mess up my balance.

And I usually mentally beat myself up for it. But I guess that’s probably not the right way to do things, huh? Balance. So I messed it up. After something like that, I don’t want to over-compensate by becoming a recluse and only leaving the house to pick up kombucha and incense. I think we have to take note of how we feel, and realize that it’s 100% okay to go a little crazy for another person. Especially if their face makes you want to vomit (in the BEST way possible). Because it’s a lesson. It’s a lesson about ourselves more than anything. We learn what gets us off balance. So that doesn’t mean we stop caring or pull our emotions out of it to keep ourselves in check, it just means we recognize that sometimes falling head over heels is perfectly balanced for right now.

Have a BEAUTIFUL day xx Happy Spring!

Balance, Connection, Self-Care

My room is a mess. 
I just moved back into my parents’ house and I’m still partially living out of boxes. I have clothes all over the house, unopened suitcases in the basement and no room for anything. It’s also still freezing so I can’t clear out my winter clothes and bring out the spring/summer stuff yet, which is bumming me out. 

To make matters worse, I’m on my period, so I’m not hungry. Which means I can’t take my vitamins/supplements/medication, which means I’m in a depressive slump (since I missed a few days of my medicine this week). Also, I know it’s weird to not be hungry on your period – but that’s how it is for me sometimes. I’m also sick and tired of looking at piles of STUFF. I have STUFF all over and it’s so cluttered and awful. I have no room to breathe. 

But I’m also way sentimental so I hate getting rid of anything that ever meant anything to me. Those mardi gras beads hanging from a purse hook? My aunt brought them back from New Orleans for me. Sure, they’re the same ones you can buy at the drugstore for $1 a bag, but she got them in Louisiana and brought them back for me. I can’t part with them. 

My grandmother died in September of 2012, and several months ago my grandfather moved to a memory care facility because he can’t take care of himself anymore thanks to his Alzheimer’s. So the family began the process of putting their house on the market. This is a house on Cape Cod, where they lived for over twenty years. They moved all of their belongings from Connecticut where they were married and raised their family and now it was our job to clean it out. I was amazed by everything. As someone who is fascinated by vintage and antique items, I squirreled away the 1930’s mink wraps and trinkets from my grandparents’ wedding. But we tossed anything that wasn’t a photo, memory, or lasting material. 

I want to clean and detox and get connected. But I also want to do nothing because I worked 32 hours last week and 32 hours of retail, on your feet, physical activity, is tiring work. 

So, balance. How do we find it? I’m still struggling with that. I’m taking the time now to write this post – for you, for me, for my mental well-being. I get to vent, you get to read/escape. That’s taking some time for me. And as I type I’m getting hungrier, so maybe I’ll have some lunch – take time for my body. Then I’ll begin to de-clutter. I’ll take two trash bags – one for trash, one for donation clothes, etc. If I haven’t worn it all season, forget it. If I haven’t looked at it in a year – I don’t need it. If it’s plastic, junky, and just taking up space, there is no way it’s going to last until my kids are cleaning out my house. So why keep it? I don’t want to keep dwelling over the past, I want to have a peaceful place to make NEW memories. I want to live in the moment – because that’s really all that matters.