Is out of balance REALLY out of balance?

I mean, what is real balance anyway? How is it supposed to be defined?

Merriam-Webster says: the ability to move or to remain in a position without losing control or falling

also; mental and emotional steadiness.

Okay, so that’s a good starting point. Balance is a state of equilibrium, with emphasis on the DON’T FALL part, right?

I think of balance and think of that scene in Eat, Pray, Love (which is so nicely shown in the film, and sometimes harder to picture in the book). Ketut shows Liz a piece of paper with a simple grid, just two lines in the shape of an equal cross. And he describes living a balanced life – between heaven and earth. “Not too much God, not too much selfish. Otherwise, life too crazy. You lose balance, you lose power.”

And then of course, Liz falls in love and she thinks she’s all out of balance and because she hasn’t meditated for eighteen hours that day she’s living a horrible life and will never regain focus again. And then he teaches her: “Sometimes losing balance for love is part of living balanced life.”

If you’re a subscriber to The Daily Love, you may have seen the most recent episode of DailyLoveTV, wherein Mastin answers an awesome question that’s really been hitting home with me. And (I didn’t realize this until this very second typing) was kind of the inspiration for beginning this post. If you haven’t watched it, check it out…

Now that you’ve watched that, you may understand where this is going.

It’s no secret that I’m a little crazy. Especially when it comes to my relationships (or lack of, for the most part). Because when I fall, I fall HARD. You can talk to me for 15 minutes and I’m already imagining our third date…until your girlfriend comes back from the bathroom and gives me the stink eye. Regardless, I’m known to get in too deep and then still somehow be surprised when I’m heartbroken because I cared the most. As much as I’ve been told to – I’ve never allowed myself to shut that part of me down. It does knock me off balance. I get swept up in checking my phone every ten minutes. I forget to pray. I eat a bag of potato chips and queso when he doesn’t text me back. I wash those down with a few shots of bourbon. I mess up my balance.

And I usually mentally beat myself up for it. But I guess that’s probably not the right way to do things, huh? Balance. So I messed it up. After something like that, I don’t want to over-compensate by becoming a recluse and only leaving the house to pick up kombucha and incense. I think we have to take note of how we feel, and realize that it’s 100% okay to go a little crazy for another person. Especially if their face makes you want to vomit (in the BEST way possible). Because it’s a lesson. It’s a lesson about ourselves more than anything. We learn what gets us off balance. So that doesn’t mean we stop caring or pull our emotions out of it to keep ourselves in check, it just means we recognize that sometimes falling head over heels is perfectly balanced for right now.

Have a BEAUTIFUL day xx Happy Spring!

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Balance, Connection, Self-Care

My room is a mess. 
I just moved back into my parents’ house and I’m still partially living out of boxes. I have clothes all over the house, unopened suitcases in the basement and no room for anything. It’s also still freezing so I can’t clear out my winter clothes and bring out the spring/summer stuff yet, which is bumming me out. 

To make matters worse, I’m on my period, so I’m not hungry. Which means I can’t take my vitamins/supplements/medication, which means I’m in a depressive slump (since I missed a few days of my medicine this week). Also, I know it’s weird to not be hungry on your period – but that’s how it is for me sometimes. I’m also sick and tired of looking at piles of STUFF. I have STUFF all over and it’s so cluttered and awful. I have no room to breathe. 

But I’m also way sentimental so I hate getting rid of anything that ever meant anything to me. Those mardi gras beads hanging from a purse hook? My aunt brought them back from New Orleans for me. Sure, they’re the same ones you can buy at the drugstore for $1 a bag, but she got them in Louisiana and brought them back for me. I can’t part with them. 

My grandmother died in September of 2012, and several months ago my grandfather moved to a memory care facility because he can’t take care of himself anymore thanks to his Alzheimer’s. So the family began the process of putting their house on the market. This is a house on Cape Cod, where they lived for over twenty years. They moved all of their belongings from Connecticut where they were married and raised their family and now it was our job to clean it out. I was amazed by everything. As someone who is fascinated by vintage and antique items, I squirreled away the 1930’s mink wraps and trinkets from my grandparents’ wedding. But we tossed anything that wasn’t a photo, memory, or lasting material. 

I want to clean and detox and get connected. But I also want to do nothing because I worked 32 hours last week and 32 hours of retail, on your feet, physical activity, is tiring work. 

So, balance. How do we find it? I’m still struggling with that. I’m taking the time now to write this post – for you, for me, for my mental well-being. I get to vent, you get to read/escape. That’s taking some time for me. And as I type I’m getting hungrier, so maybe I’ll have some lunch – take time for my body. Then I’ll begin to de-clutter. I’ll take two trash bags – one for trash, one for donation clothes, etc. If I haven’t worn it all season, forget it. If I haven’t looked at it in a year – I don’t need it. If it’s plastic, junky, and just taking up space, there is no way it’s going to last until my kids are cleaning out my house. So why keep it? I don’t want to keep dwelling over the past, I want to have a peaceful place to make NEW memories. I want to live in the moment – because that’s really all that matters. 

Fighting for Home

I’ve been in such a whirlwind the last few weeks. It’s been a little insane, and I’ve been at the end of my rope. I’m stressed, my skin is breaking out, I pulled a muscle in my back and I wake up stiff every single morning. I’m still searching for a full time job, and working on moving out of the house I live in currently. 

In the midst of all the crazy, I’ve realized a few things. 

About ten months ago, just after Easter last year, I began attending a new church about twenty minutes south of Providence. Needless to say, I found it. I found a new relationship with God and the Universe and a connection with people that I have never felt before. And these people have taken me in and loved me better than some of my own family. Unfortunately, now I have to leave. I’ve arranged my transfer for my part-time job, and I start at the store near my hometown on the 24th of February. And as soon as I got off the phone with the manager I called my mom and cried. Because this isn’t my choice. I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to be away from this church, these people.

Yesterday I was at fellowship having tea and talking to my wonderful friends and they all told me I’m staying. One woman said she was going to talk to her husband about their pull-out couch in some spare room. Another said “You aren’t leaving!” as she told me she was going to continue looking for a place for me to live. 

I want to fight. I decided I was going to fight. But now I feel like I need to surrender. Surrender to the world and how it works. Fight while I can, but do what is ultimately going to be best for me now. I need to live in the moment. Right now I need to move back home while I get settled. And even though it hurts I have to remember that the Universe has my back. And if I’m meant to stay with my church, the Universe will be sure to keep me there. 

As much as I want to cry at all times, as much as I feel my depression creeping in and old habits begging to return, I know that things will happen. And I know that I will continue to fight for the people and places I call home. Home isn’t always where your family is or your hat or whatever. Home is usually where you feel the weight of the world lift off your shoulders when you walk in the door. Where you know you could stay for hours and not feel like you’re overstaying your welcome. 

 

Have a BEAUTIFUL day. xx

Face Your Emotions & Become Strong

I had a groundbreaking event happen this weekend. I’m not going to go into much detail but the main points are: It was a very important event/experience, once in a lifetime (more or less), and I truly have no regrets.

And I’ve spoken to close friends about it and gotten their opinions, and I’ve thought about it on my own and tried to dissect my feelings around it. And all the while, people around me keep moving. Work comes and goes, my family calls and checks in on my health and how my adjustment is going as I get ready to move back to my parents’ house.

But nobody notices I’m going through something inside of me. And I guess that’s normal, I’m used to hiding things from people. But this is something that I’m battling with. A part of me wants to share it with the word, but another part of me wants to keep it quiet. And a whole other part of me is hurt and destroyed by it. 

A part of me wants to shout “HEY CAN’T YOU GUYS SEE I’M GOING THROUGH SOMETHING HERE?!” 

But I know they wouldn’t hear me. And I know they don’t need to. Because right now I need to be looking inside of myself. All these signs around me, from songs, to television shows, to books, are telling me to step back, step inside and really see what’s going on. Why I’m feeling the way I am, whether it’s good or bad, and what it means for me. It by no means defines me, but it changes my outlook on things a little bit. 

I’m a very emotional person. And sometimes I hate that about myself. But a close friend recently told me something I need to realize – that part of me, the over-emotional, slightly dramatic and romantic part of me, is the best part of me, and it’s what life is all about. 

I don’t enjoy being the dramatic one, the one who needs help, the one who is damaged. But that is who I am. I’m severely damaged. To a point most people don’t understand. I’m the one who has my therapist on speed dial. I’m the one who has learned so much about her diseases that she could diagnose someone off the street (though I wouldn’t try to). 

And all of this – these parts of me, they add up to something, I guess. Me. I’m stronger for what I’ve come through. And it’s because I’ve learned to face my emotions. I’ve learned to tap into myself and really feel what is going on in my body and mind and then address it. I wasn’t cutting because it was fun. It was either because A. I was broken and depressed I wanted to feel some other form of pain, or B. I was so numb that I wanted to feel anything. I covered and hid my emotions to the point of self-destruction. And I couldn’t stop until I faced the reason I started. And that began with my emotions. Those scary, brutal, beautiful things that we have to deal with from day to day.

But they make us who we are. We press forth, we feel them and we become stronger. So please. Give yourself a chance to feel what your body is trying to tell you. 

Have a beautiful day, xx.

Job Depression

At the age of 17 or so, society expects us to decide what we want to do for the next fifty years of our lives. We take dozens of tests, break our necks in school to pass classes, get into college, and start the next phase in our lives. 

And then we graduate. We break our necks AGAIN to pass more exams and finish college. And we are expected to continue on a solid path toward SOME kind of career. Something that will make us some money, but not a job that is so lofty that we’ll never make it. 

So we apply for jobs BEFORE graduation. And, if a month has gone by after the end of our college career and we don’t have a job, we’re attacked. Questioned. Pressured. “How’s the job search?” “What do you want to do?” “What was your degree in, again?” 

And here I am. Fresh out of college with a shiny new Bachelor’s degree and a diploma sitting on my bookshelf. And it’s been a single month since the end of my final semester. And I’m still working part time retail and about to move back in with my parents. And I’m depressed.

Now, I’ve had depression since I was about 14 – I’ve been in and out of therapy since then and I’ve been on anti-depressants for two years. So I’m stable. And I’m generally happy. But the last two weeks or so have gotten to me. I’m depressed, I can’t lose the small amount of weight that I gained over the holidays (oh, Christmas cookies our love/hate relationship is hard), and I’m lonely. I’m isolated in my current living situation and I’m not wanted in it either. 

But recently I’ve also had a lot of extra time to think and read and write. And I’m learning to try and accept. I accept where I am right now. I accept where I’m going in the near future. And I’m trying to accept that not everyone is as genuine as I am. Not everyone is as free-spirited. Some people plan. Some people have goals and actions they know they have to take. But I’m accepting that I am not that person. I am a bit of a floater. I don’t really know what I want to do for the next forty years or so. I really don’t. I have ideas, but I don’t have real ideas.

And I’m beginning to accept that. 

Press PAUSE

Afternoon, everyone and Happy Sunday!

It’s been a little bit of a whirlwind week, so I’m a little later than I anticipated on getting my post up. But trust me, I have GOOD reason. 

So last time I checked in I was in serious change mode. The plan was Arizona, ASAP (well, April). As soon as I returned to Rhode Island, everything turned upside down. The atmosphere in the house has turned ice cold and I feel like I’m being pushed out of this house so fast that I can’t catch my breath or get my bearings. All I keep hearing is how I need to get a full time job, how maybe it would be easier if I was with my parents in my hometown. Just, passive aggressive comments to try and get me to move out. 

But I have a life here. I have a part-time job, I have a church that I love, and I’m not ready to leave. And having all of this pushed on me so fast has made me realize I’m really not ready to leave New England yet. I went for a walk the other day and I looked around at the old buildings, the architecture that is so characteristic of this part of the country, and I realized that I’m not ready to leave it all behind. I like that I’m so close to my parents and my hometown. My parents, my godfather, and their friends are my real family. They are the people I look forward to seeing the most when I travel home. 

So my point is in all this is that sometimes we need to get grounded. We need to get centered and take a minute. I did just graduate from college and yes, I need to start looking for a full time job – it’s that time. But I can’t expect to get one next week. And I also have no idea what I want to do with my life yet so I’m in an exploratory mode for sure. 

My advice is this: regardless of what is going on around you, the buzzing, the pressure, try to get centered. Go for a walk, sit down to meditate, write, do something creative that you love. Get grounded back into you. What makes your heart swell with joy? What puts a smile on your face like nothing else? What eases your tension when you’ve had a horrible day? These are the things you need to do forever. 

 

Have a BEAUTIFUL day, xo. 

Starting Over; Blogging More; Arizona Bound

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Hi all,

I can’t fully remember the last time I posted (let me check). Okay, looks like October – not as bad as I thought!

But here I am to say that I’m BACK (oy, how many times have I said this?!)! And I really do mean it this time. 2014 is a big year for me.

I just graduated college – SAY WHAT.

And I’m making many changes in my life.

As some of you may know, I currently life with family in Rhode Island (I grew up in Connecticut and my parents still live there). At the moment, things aren’t spectacular. Values are clashing, personalities are clashing, and I’m becoming more and more aware of the life that I DON’T want to lead. Thankfully, over the last year and a half I have become so grateful for my upbringing and the family I was raised in – our values, our personality traits, and how we live our lives. I’m so proud of my name and my family. So I’m going to do what is best for me at this crossroads in my life.

My sister is a meteorologist for the National Weather Service in Tucson, AZ. She is working a job she loves in a city she is falling in love with day by day. And I have decided to join her. Come early to mid-April, I’m moving to Tucson to live with my big sister in a new city, a new state, and a new life.

It’s a bold leap, and I hope you’ll join me on my journey. I have no New Year’s Resolutions, for I believe that if you really want change, you can do it at any time. However, I do believe that there is an energy floating around at the start of a new year that fuels us all to try and live our bliss – to be our best selves in the most pure and real way we know how.

Over the next three months, I’ll be planning, packing, and adjusting. I’m going to get a transfer from my current part-time job at the Gap, re-start my daily meditation and yoga practices, and amp up my spirituality as I prepare for the biggest event in my life thus far.

I’ll be trying to post here at least once a week. It seems like a lot, but it’s only about twelve or so blog posts until the big (to be decided) day.

Join me on this journey, and tell me all about yours!

Have a beautiful day, xo.