Late

It's about 2am and I'm just settling in for the night. It's a pattern that develops when I work overnight shifts at work. I get home around 2:30am and sleep most of the next morning/afternoon.

I didn't work today but I'm awake. I feel anxious; I feel antsy. I need to take a step and I have many different ones in my mind. But I'm not sure where to go.

100 new job – full time, benefits, works.
Part time substitute teach – make myself available a few days a week.
Maybe weekend waitress, while back at school – focus unknown.

(I should tell you at this point in writing this I have no idea if I will post it or not.)

I can't settle my brain enough, and I know it's my fear and ego mind talking. I recognize this. I've been trained to work against this. But I somehow can't seem to find the peace and wisdom I deserve.

Things are very stressful. My sister is getting married and my sister in law just had a baby! There are events going on at work that make it difficult to have a good attitude there.

I know I can change how I view things in my life. I know I can choose to see the difficulties as blessings on the way to a better place. For some reason I can't let myself allow the universe to work. I feel myself blocking it.

And I have to do something about it.

On the FAM front, my cycles are very long, it's taking 2 months at this point. I had this issue when I was in college. But my inner blocks are could also be having an affect, seeing as its why I haven't been updating my experience.

This read more like a diary, but I'm ok with it. I can be the only one who deals with spiritual blocks.

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Where I’ve Been and Where I’m Going

Where I’ve been and where I’m going.

It’s interesting when you aren’t quite sure what either of those are.

I haven’t written anything down in several months, over a year. Forgive me if this feels choppy or unedited because my creative mind is a bit stuck. Literally stuck at this very moment. It feels as if there is no next thought anymore. I don’t know what to say next. I have thoughts in my head all day everyday. I feel the urge to scream them, sing them, and at least write them down. And I just never do. So it’s probably just the universe laughing at me that the moment I sit down to write anything, I’m completely fucking stuck.

Ah, well. I guess that’s what happens. You’ll probably see some new posts in the coming weeks. Political musings because, well, Cheeto; boyfriend rants; and the adventures of a teeny tiny studio apartment.

Looking in All the Wrong Places

I was inspired. Betchya didn’t see this one coming ;).

If you’ve read enough of this blog, you’ve read the gist of my spiritual and religious history. It’s chock-filled with doubts, insecurities, and slamming the door in God’s face OVER and OVER again. You also probably know that when I lived in Rhode Island I fell in LOVE with my church and the family I made there. And three months after leaving I still miss them all like crazy, and I still try to keep in touch with my closest friends. I sometimes wonder why I connected so much there. Maybe it was the progressiveness of the church – and how they TRULY accepted every single person who walked through their door. They actively advocated for people of all race, gender identity, sexuality, ethnicity, monetary status, etc. They accepted me in, a single, 20-something who began attending by herself – and I was taken in like a daughter by my new pastors and friends.

Okay, soppy shit aside, the point is, we Love one another. They took me in, Loved me, and I Loved them in return. Because that’s what it’s about. It took me a while to realize this. Growing up in a Roman-Catholic church, I thought I had to confess to a priest and get through the seven sacraments and become a nun and never, ever sin to find God. I thought that the only way to experience God was on a Sunday morning after CCD, sitting in that gargantuan, stained-glass castle, while I listened to the Priest tell me I wasn’t good enough and I could never confess enough for God, and read to me from a big ‘ol book that made NO sense to me.

I was young. I stopped attending church when I was 12. Before that, I did sing in choir, which gave me a new experience, and gave my voice the training it needed to actually be decent as I grew up, but I digress. In the ten years between leaving the Catholic Church and finding a way to worship again, I looked for God everywhere. I looked to ancient religions, modern religions, obscure religions. I also began to fear the word “God” and refused to think of Jesus as anyone remotely relevant. Some worked for a time, and some didn’t. But at the same time…my life fell apart. Again, if you’ve read any of this blog, you have an idea of what my high school and college years were like – I won’t get into that here it’s not the time. I didn’t realize it at the time, but it was all for a reason. It was all a part of my journey. Do I hate that I went through it? Of course. But do I think God was smiting me and forcing me to suffer for no reason? Absolutely not. I wouldn’t trade my experience with my EDNOS or depression or self-harm with anything. Because it’s a huge part of who I am right now, in this moment, when I thank God for all the good that is in my life right now. 

Okay, I’m getting soppy again. MY POINT IS: I looked in all the wrong places, until I started to think of God differently. Instead of a big, angry man sitting in the sky judging me, I learned to see God as Love. Pure, unsurpassed, never-ending Love. And then I came to find my place in the church. And then I came to realize what I really believed about God, Jesus, The Bible, and worship. God is Love. And Love is everything. It’s everywhere. And it is the only thing that matters in this world. Jesus was a teacher, yep. And he taught about Love. He taught his followers to love God (or love, love, worship LOVE, experience LOVE) above all, and to Love your neighbor as yourself. That’s it. Not too hard.

I find God when I get on my yoga mat, and in the bustle of the downtown noise I find a moment of silence in my head and I can fully hear my breath, my heartbeat, and the essence of my life, that’s God. I hear God in your laughter, and I see Him when the world outside is so quiet I don’t want to move for fear of ruining it. God isn’t in a building, and he isn’t in a book. He’s in the people that make up your life – the good and the bad, because they are equally important. He’s in the ground and the trees and the storms and the wildlife. Do I love the Bible that I have on my nightstand? I do. It’s calmed me and comforted me in many a dark and distressful time, when nothing else could. Do I take every single word as rote law and creed? Hardly. Because I know it was written thousands of years ago by many, many hands in many, many languages and we often interpret it wrong. So I take what I need and leave the rest.

And I’ll always take the Love.

Have a beautiful day, xx.

 

“For your steadfast Love is before my eyes,

and I walk in your faithfulness.”

Psalm 26:3 (ESV)

Hauntings

I was sick last weekend – awful. I was nauseated at work on Saturday, and when I got home I went to bed early. During the middle of the night I woke up and spent the next 2 hours vomiting. Sunday wasn’t much better as my stomach still wasn’t settled. Even on Monday, I wasn’t completely better. In fact, all week my stomach has been off. I chalked it up to anxiety over something. And today I’m better, but some foods still make my stomach turn.

I’m getting to my point. I didn’t feel up to much this week. Between being sick and the onset of my period, I haven’t been to yoga once. I practiced at home on Wednesday morning, but that’s about it. I also haven’t been eating well – in quality or quantity. So needless to say, I feel kind of crummy! It’s incredible how good, whole food can make you feel so wonderful. But right now – the thought of it makes me want to ralph. My mom made this cauliflower quinoa risotto dish that I usually LOVE. But just looking at it grosses me out. And it sucks.

So I went to Rhode Island yesterday for a quick visit to my old work, and my old church for the Maundy Thursday service. After the service I was saying my goodbyes and my good friend says to me “Are you eating?”. And I kind of laughed. I could honestly say “Yes I’m eating, but I did lose weight.” I’ve been home, practicing yoga regularly, walking, hiking with friends, eating clean about 85-90% of the time. But in the last 2 months I have lost about 10 pounds – without thinking about it. I knew when I moved home that I was heavier than I wanted to be, because my clothes weren’t fitting. But it wasn’t until I went to the gynecologist last month that I realized I was losing weight. 

And I had a flashback. To high school, to college. When this question used to be desired, but also dreaded. If they asked, they noticed I was losing weight. But if they asked that also meant they might have noticed that I wasn’t eating. And I was flooded with out of nowhere anxiety on the drive home. Am I ok? Am I going to fall back into my old habits? Is everyone going to think I have an eating disorder again? I knew all these thoughts were ridiculous but I couldn’t shake them.

I tried to laugh it off to myself. But I couldn’t help but be filled with stomach churning anxiety on the subject. Totally unwarranted. Seeing as I’m the one who is in control of my life. My EDNOS doesn’t control me anymore. It doesn’t dictate what I eat, how I feel, who I’m good enough for. I’m the only one who can decide these things.  I guess sometimes we all just need a little reminder. Nobody can make you feel anything you don’t want to feel. You are the only one who controls your reactions to situations. Sometimes it’s hard.

Sometimes you have feelings you think you can’t control – depression, anxiety. Sometimes you have feelings for a person that you think are so strong they could never go away – even if they aren’t reciprocated. But they’ll fade. If you let them go. If you surrender to happiness and health and well being you’ll find peace in yourself. I truly believe that.

Happy Good Friday & Have a BEAUTIFUL day!

Is out of balance REALLY out of balance?

I mean, what is real balance anyway? How is it supposed to be defined?

Merriam-Webster says: the ability to move or to remain in a position without losing control or falling

also; mental and emotional steadiness.

Okay, so that’s a good starting point. Balance is a state of equilibrium, with emphasis on the DON’T FALL part, right?

I think of balance and think of that scene in Eat, Pray, Love (which is so nicely shown in the film, and sometimes harder to picture in the book). Ketut shows Liz a piece of paper with a simple grid, just two lines in the shape of an equal cross. And he describes living a balanced life – between heaven and earth. “Not too much God, not too much selfish. Otherwise, life too crazy. You lose balance, you lose power.”

And then of course, Liz falls in love and she thinks she’s all out of balance and because she hasn’t meditated for eighteen hours that day she’s living a horrible life and will never regain focus again. And then he teaches her: “Sometimes losing balance for love is part of living balanced life.”

If you’re a subscriber to The Daily Love, you may have seen the most recent episode of DailyLoveTV, wherein Mastin answers an awesome question that’s really been hitting home with me. And (I didn’t realize this until this very second typing) was kind of the inspiration for beginning this post. If you haven’t watched it, check it out…

Now that you’ve watched that, you may understand where this is going.

It’s no secret that I’m a little crazy. Especially when it comes to my relationships (or lack of, for the most part). Because when I fall, I fall HARD. You can talk to me for 15 minutes and I’m already imagining our third date…until your girlfriend comes back from the bathroom and gives me the stink eye. Regardless, I’m known to get in too deep and then still somehow be surprised when I’m heartbroken because I cared the most. As much as I’ve been told to – I’ve never allowed myself to shut that part of me down. It does knock me off balance. I get swept up in checking my phone every ten minutes. I forget to pray. I eat a bag of potato chips and queso when he doesn’t text me back. I wash those down with a few shots of bourbon. I mess up my balance.

And I usually mentally beat myself up for it. But I guess that’s probably not the right way to do things, huh? Balance. So I messed it up. After something like that, I don’t want to over-compensate by becoming a recluse and only leaving the house to pick up kombucha and incense. I think we have to take note of how we feel, and realize that it’s 100% okay to go a little crazy for another person. Especially if their face makes you want to vomit (in the BEST way possible). Because it’s a lesson. It’s a lesson about ourselves more than anything. We learn what gets us off balance. So that doesn’t mean we stop caring or pull our emotions out of it to keep ourselves in check, it just means we recognize that sometimes falling head over heels is perfectly balanced for right now.

Have a BEAUTIFUL day xx Happy Spring!

Balance, Connection, Self-Care

My room is a mess. 
I just moved back into my parents’ house and I’m still partially living out of boxes. I have clothes all over the house, unopened suitcases in the basement and no room for anything. It’s also still freezing so I can’t clear out my winter clothes and bring out the spring/summer stuff yet, which is bumming me out. 

To make matters worse, I’m on my period, so I’m not hungry. Which means I can’t take my vitamins/supplements/medication, which means I’m in a depressive slump (since I missed a few days of my medicine this week). Also, I know it’s weird to not be hungry on your period – but that’s how it is for me sometimes. I’m also sick and tired of looking at piles of STUFF. I have STUFF all over and it’s so cluttered and awful. I have no room to breathe. 

But I’m also way sentimental so I hate getting rid of anything that ever meant anything to me. Those mardi gras beads hanging from a purse hook? My aunt brought them back from New Orleans for me. Sure, they’re the same ones you can buy at the drugstore for $1 a bag, but she got them in Louisiana and brought them back for me. I can’t part with them. 

My grandmother died in September of 2012, and several months ago my grandfather moved to a memory care facility because he can’t take care of himself anymore thanks to his Alzheimer’s. So the family began the process of putting their house on the market. This is a house on Cape Cod, where they lived for over twenty years. They moved all of their belongings from Connecticut where they were married and raised their family and now it was our job to clean it out. I was amazed by everything. As someone who is fascinated by vintage and antique items, I squirreled away the 1930’s mink wraps and trinkets from my grandparents’ wedding. But we tossed anything that wasn’t a photo, memory, or lasting material. 

I want to clean and detox and get connected. But I also want to do nothing because I worked 32 hours last week and 32 hours of retail, on your feet, physical activity, is tiring work. 

So, balance. How do we find it? I’m still struggling with that. I’m taking the time now to write this post – for you, for me, for my mental well-being. I get to vent, you get to read/escape. That’s taking some time for me. And as I type I’m getting hungrier, so maybe I’ll have some lunch – take time for my body. Then I’ll begin to de-clutter. I’ll take two trash bags – one for trash, one for donation clothes, etc. If I haven’t worn it all season, forget it. If I haven’t looked at it in a year – I don’t need it. If it’s plastic, junky, and just taking up space, there is no way it’s going to last until my kids are cleaning out my house. So why keep it? I don’t want to keep dwelling over the past, I want to have a peaceful place to make NEW memories. I want to live in the moment – because that’s really all that matters. 

Fighting for Home

I’ve been in such a whirlwind the last few weeks. It’s been a little insane, and I’ve been at the end of my rope. I’m stressed, my skin is breaking out, I pulled a muscle in my back and I wake up stiff every single morning. I’m still searching for a full time job, and working on moving out of the house I live in currently. 

In the midst of all the crazy, I’ve realized a few things. 

About ten months ago, just after Easter last year, I began attending a new church about twenty minutes south of Providence. Needless to say, I found it. I found a new relationship with God and the Universe and a connection with people that I have never felt before. And these people have taken me in and loved me better than some of my own family. Unfortunately, now I have to leave. I’ve arranged my transfer for my part-time job, and I start at the store near my hometown on the 24th of February. And as soon as I got off the phone with the manager I called my mom and cried. Because this isn’t my choice. I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to be away from this church, these people.

Yesterday I was at fellowship having tea and talking to my wonderful friends and they all told me I’m staying. One woman said she was going to talk to her husband about their pull-out couch in some spare room. Another said “You aren’t leaving!” as she told me she was going to continue looking for a place for me to live. 

I want to fight. I decided I was going to fight. But now I feel like I need to surrender. Surrender to the world and how it works. Fight while I can, but do what is ultimately going to be best for me now. I need to live in the moment. Right now I need to move back home while I get settled. And even though it hurts I have to remember that the Universe has my back. And if I’m meant to stay with my church, the Universe will be sure to keep me there. 

As much as I want to cry at all times, as much as I feel my depression creeping in and old habits begging to return, I know that things will happen. And I know that I will continue to fight for the people and places I call home. Home isn’t always where your family is or your hat or whatever. Home is usually where you feel the weight of the world lift off your shoulders when you walk in the door. Where you know you could stay for hours and not feel like you’re overstaying your welcome. 

 

Have a BEAUTIFUL day. xx