Hauntings

I was sick last weekend – awful. I was nauseated at work on Saturday, and when I got home I went to bed early. During the middle of the night I woke up and spent the next 2 hours vomiting. Sunday wasn’t much better as my stomach still wasn’t settled. Even on Monday, I wasn’t completely better. In fact, all week my stomach has been off. I chalked it up to anxiety over something. And today I’m better, but some foods still make my stomach turn.

I’m getting to my point. I didn’t feel up to much this week. Between being sick and the onset of my period, I haven’t been to yoga once. I practiced at home on Wednesday morning, but that’s about it. I also haven’t been eating well – in quality or quantity. So needless to say, I feel kind of crummy! It’s incredible how good, whole food can make you feel so wonderful. But right now – the thought of it makes me want to ralph. My mom made this cauliflower quinoa risotto dish that I usually LOVE. But just looking at it grosses me out. And it sucks.

So I went to Rhode Island yesterday for a quick visit to my old work, and my old church for the Maundy Thursday service. After the service I was saying my goodbyes and my good friend says to me “Are you eating?”. And I kind of laughed. I could honestly say “Yes I’m eating, but I did lose weight.” I’ve been home, practicing yoga regularly, walking, hiking with friends, eating clean about 85-90% of the time. But in the last 2 months I have lost about 10 pounds – without thinking about it. I knew when I moved home that I was heavier than I wanted to be, because my clothes weren’t fitting. But it wasn’t until I went to the gynecologist last month that I realized I was losing weight. 

And I had a flashback. To high school, to college. When this question used to be desired, but also dreaded. If they asked, they noticed I was losing weight. But if they asked that also meant they might have noticed that I wasn’t eating. And I was flooded with out of nowhere anxiety on the drive home. Am I ok? Am I going to fall back into my old habits? Is everyone going to think I have an eating disorder again? I knew all these thoughts were ridiculous but I couldn’t shake them.

I tried to laugh it off to myself. But I couldn’t help but be filled with stomach churning anxiety on the subject. Totally unwarranted. Seeing as I’m the one who is in control of my life. My EDNOS doesn’t control me anymore. It doesn’t dictate what I eat, how I feel, who I’m good enough for. I’m the only one who can decide these things.  I guess sometimes we all just need a little reminder. Nobody can make you feel anything you don’t want to feel. You are the only one who controls your reactions to situations. Sometimes it’s hard.

Sometimes you have feelings you think you can’t control – depression, anxiety. Sometimes you have feelings for a person that you think are so strong they could never go away – even if they aren’t reciprocated. But they’ll fade. If you let them go. If you surrender to happiness and health and well being you’ll find peace in yourself. I truly believe that.

Happy Good Friday & Have a BEAUTIFUL day!

Advertisements

Is out of balance REALLY out of balance?

I mean, what is real balance anyway? How is it supposed to be defined?

Merriam-Webster says: the ability to move or to remain in a position without losing control or falling

also; mental and emotional steadiness.

Okay, so that’s a good starting point. Balance is a state of equilibrium, with emphasis on the DON’T FALL part, right?

I think of balance and think of that scene in Eat, Pray, Love (which is so nicely shown in the film, and sometimes harder to picture in the book). Ketut shows Liz a piece of paper with a simple grid, just two lines in the shape of an equal cross. And he describes living a balanced life – between heaven and earth. “Not too much God, not too much selfish. Otherwise, life too crazy. You lose balance, you lose power.”

And then of course, Liz falls in love and she thinks she’s all out of balance and because she hasn’t meditated for eighteen hours that day she’s living a horrible life and will never regain focus again. And then he teaches her: “Sometimes losing balance for love is part of living balanced life.”

If you’re a subscriber to The Daily Love, you may have seen the most recent episode of DailyLoveTV, wherein Mastin answers an awesome question that’s really been hitting home with me. And (I didn’t realize this until this very second typing) was kind of the inspiration for beginning this post. If you haven’t watched it, check it out…

Now that you’ve watched that, you may understand where this is going.

It’s no secret that I’m a little crazy. Especially when it comes to my relationships (or lack of, for the most part). Because when I fall, I fall HARD. You can talk to me for 15 minutes and I’m already imagining our third date…until your girlfriend comes back from the bathroom and gives me the stink eye. Regardless, I’m known to get in too deep and then still somehow be surprised when I’m heartbroken because I cared the most. As much as I’ve been told to – I’ve never allowed myself to shut that part of me down. It does knock me off balance. I get swept up in checking my phone every ten minutes. I forget to pray. I eat a bag of potato chips and queso when he doesn’t text me back. I wash those down with a few shots of bourbon. I mess up my balance.

And I usually mentally beat myself up for it. But I guess that’s probably not the right way to do things, huh? Balance. So I messed it up. After something like that, I don’t want to over-compensate by becoming a recluse and only leaving the house to pick up kombucha and incense. I think we have to take note of how we feel, and realize that it’s 100% okay to go a little crazy for another person. Especially if their face makes you want to vomit (in the BEST way possible). Because it’s a lesson. It’s a lesson about ourselves more than anything. We learn what gets us off balance. So that doesn’t mean we stop caring or pull our emotions out of it to keep ourselves in check, it just means we recognize that sometimes falling head over heels is perfectly balanced for right now.

Have a BEAUTIFUL day xx Happy Spring!