I had a groundbreaking event happen this weekend. I’m not going to go into much detail but the main points are: It was a very important event/experience, once in a lifetime (more or less), and I truly have no regrets.
And I’ve spoken to close friends about it and gotten their opinions, and I’ve thought about it on my own and tried to dissect my feelings around it. And all the while, people around me keep moving. Work comes and goes, my family calls and checks in on my health and how my adjustment is going as I get ready to move back to my parents’ house.
But nobody notices I’m going through something inside of me. And I guess that’s normal, I’m used to hiding things from people. But this is something that I’m battling with. A part of me wants to share it with the word, but another part of me wants to keep it quiet. And a whole other part of me is hurt and destroyed by it.
A part of me wants to shout “HEY CAN’T YOU GUYS SEE I’M GOING THROUGH SOMETHING HERE?!”
But I know they wouldn’t hear me. And I know they don’t need to. Because right now I need to be looking inside of myself. All these signs around me, from songs, to television shows, to books, are telling me to step back, step inside and really see what’s going on. Why I’m feeling the way I am, whether it’s good or bad, and what it means for me. It by no means defines me, but it changes my outlook on things a little bit.
I’m a very emotional person. And sometimes I hate that about myself. But a close friend recently told me something I need to realize – that part of me, the over-emotional, slightly dramatic and romantic part of me, is the best part of me, and it’s what life is all about.
I don’t enjoy being the dramatic one, the one who needs help, the one who is damaged. But that is who I am. I’m severely damaged. To a point most people don’t understand. I’m the one who has my therapist on speed dial. I’m the one who has learned so much about her diseases that she could diagnose someone off the street (though I wouldn’t try to).
And all of this – these parts of me, they add up to something, I guess. Me. I’m stronger for what I’ve come through. And it’s because I’ve learned to face my emotions. I’ve learned to tap into myself and really feel what is going on in my body and mind and then address it. I wasn’t cutting because it was fun. It was either because A. I was broken and depressed I wanted to feel some other form of pain, or B. I was so numb that I wanted to feel anything. I covered and hid my emotions to the point of self-destruction. And I couldn’t stop until I faced the reason I started. And that began with my emotions. Those scary, brutal, beautiful things that we have to deal with from day to day.
But they make us who we are. We press forth, we feel them and we become stronger. So please. Give yourself a chance to feel what your body is trying to tell you.
Have a beautiful day, xx.