From God and Back

I was raised in a large, beautiful, Roman Catholic church. I went to Sunday School every week, and I sang in the choir right after at 10:00 mass. And I can honestly say it was probably the happiest time in my life. Looking back on it, I know exactly where my life began to take a turn. 

In middle school, I had a good friend. She was my best friend and we were inseparable. She convinced me to do cheerleading with her for the town. There went my Sundays. Football games, practices, and cheer competitions replaced my communion with God. 

Soon after, I began to act out a bit. I drank for the first time at 13 years old. Started lying to my parents about where I was going with this friend. And blatantly disregarding their advice and rules. After this friend and I went to different high schools, I realized I had put all of my energy into this one friendship that wasn’t serving me at all. We had a falling out and I fell into the worst parts of my life: depression, anxiety, eating disorders. 

Still, I couldn’t figure it out. I tried and tried to find religious paths that suited me. I thought that Wicca or another Pagan path could satisfy me. But time and time again, I would pick it up and loose it again. It just wasn’t for me. But I didn’t realize that at the time. For several years I lived in a haze of sadness and self-deprecation. Even as I got into college, a brand new start, nothing seemed to stick.

By this time I was AFRAID of the word “God”. I thought that if I believed in God that meant I would have to go back to believing in everything that my church taught me. And I don’t believe in many of the doctrines that the Roman Catholics put out to the world. I wanted to believe in nature in the way the world whispered to me when I walked in the woods. In the way the ocean calmed me when I strolled on the beach in the early morning. Little did I know, THIS voice was indeed God. 

As I struggled through my darkest time, just about a year ago, I stumbled upon this new generation of Spiritual Thinkers/Speakers. Gabby Bernstein was at the head of it for me and she helped me come into my own spiritually. With help from people like Mastin Kipp, Deepak Chopra, Ekchart Tolle, Marianne Williamson, and Oprah, I began to realize that God is what you make Him. God is in everything and inside of you. You just have to surrender to Him and He will lead the way. 

You are destined for greatness. The only thing stopping you is your own ego’s fears. Once you are able to release your fear and the control of your ego, you are open to Love. And God is Love. You don’t have to sit in a church every week (though if it helps, by all means DO IT), or recite certain incantations or what have you. You just have to Love. Speak to God, listen to God and believe that He has your back. 

If you’d rather call Him your ~ing (inner guide) as Gabby puts forward, by all means, do it. I did for a very long time before I became comfortable with using the word God again. But I’m so glad I did.

About nine months ago I had a conversation with my father, who is Catholic, but doesn’t attend church much anymore. He knows that he doesn’t have to because he lives rightly and does the best he can with what he is given. I told him I’d like to visit our church one day. I told him that I remember feeling very calm and comforted in the place. I LOVED going at one point. I loved the atmosphere and the people and the music. I loved that people came to worship and, for the most part, simply Love. I haven’t gone back yet, but it’s on my list. 

Today I want to stress the simple importance of Love. Don’t get caught up in semantics. God can be Jesus, Buddha, Love, your ~ing. As long as you listen to the voice in your head filled with Love and wisdom, you can’t go wrong. As long as you OPEN YOUR HEART to Love and pray to fully embody Love, you’ll live a miraculous life. 

My journey started with God as Jesus, and now my life is God as…Love. 

What’s your journey? What’s your place in life? I want to know!

Have a beautiful day, xx.

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